


Fast Cars & Unfading Scars

by hensku



Series: Race Drivers AU [2]
Category: Rammstein
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Race Drivers, Angst, Car Accidents, Eventual Smut, Flake is the best friend anyone could hope for, Fluff, Hate to Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Richard and Paul are rally drivers, Richard just needs a hug, Romance, Till is their team boss, but nothing too graphic, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-18
Updated: 2019-12-01
Packaged: 2020-10-21 05:40:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 42,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20688410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hensku/pseuds/hensku
Summary: Richard is a 40-year-old race driver in the World Rally Championship series. After having recovered from a tragic accident he's got a solid plan; return for one last season and take home the championship.What he hasn't prepared for is Paul; his new teammate, the "bright future of the sport", who makes Richard question everything.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm obsessed with both motorsport and Rammstein, so why not combine these two :D This is the first fanfic I've ever published (and I'm not a native English speaker), so I'm nervous as hell but here we go!
> 
> I added a little "motorsport glossary" at the end, because there might be a few motorsport-related words in the text that everybody might not be familiar with :)

_The first thing he can recall is smoke._   
  
_It's suffocating him, filling his lungs when he's trying to breathe and stinging in his eyes when he tries to open them. While he's slowly coming back to his senses, he hears a constant, high pitched noise accompanied by loud bangs. He realizes it's coming from the car; the engine is still running. He smells gasoline. Smoke and gasoline._  
  
_He knows that he needs to turn off the engine immediately, and tries to get hold of the emergency clutch that's installed right next to the gear stick. He's been in a situation like this before, he's done this before, just grab the clutch and pull. It's an instinct for him, something he's rehearsed countless times. Except that this isn't like before. He tries to move his hand but nothing happens; he starts panicking, can't move his body and it's getting hotter and hotter in the car by every passing second. He can barely turn his head to the right to see his co-driver, his body slouched lifeless against the passenger door._  
  
_More smoke keeps coming in and the smell of gasoline is getting stronger._  
  
_Suddenly he's being pulled out of the car and after that it's all just a big blur of noises, flashing lights, red and blue, someone talking about a body, the sound of a helicopter approaching, and eventually; fire. It explodes from the crushed bonnet of the car and within seconds it has spread all over the wreckage._  
  
”_Flake's still inside! Get him the fuck out of there before it explodes!” he tries to scream. There's people trying to open the passenger's door but it's stuck._  
  
_He's screaming but there's no voice coming out of his mouth, he can't move his body, he can only watch in horror as the flames swallow the entire car like a hungry beast swallowing its prey._

Richard wakes up in his bed, heart almost pounding out of his chest and sheets wet from sweating profusely. He lies there for a while, completely still on his back and stares at the ceiling. He had gotten used to those dreams, only a couple months ago they were still a regular thing for him. Little by little they had become more rare, thanks to the countless hours he'd spent on the therapist's couch. Now he only had them perhaps once a week, which was a huge progress. But still, every time that dream left him in a state he hated being in; shaking, with tears in his eyes and questioning everything he was about to do.  
  
Richard let out a heavy sigh and turned to look at the clock on his nightstand. It was six thirty in the morning, so he decided to just get up and start his day. There was no point trying to sleep after the nightmare anyway. He put on some joggers and a hoodie and made his way towards the kitchen while sleepily rubbing his eyes.  
  
Once he'd made himself a nice warm cup of coffee, he lazily walked to the balcony and took in the view of an early morning slowly creeping it's way into the streets of Berlin.  
  
It had been over four months now since the accident. Four months and three weeks to be exact. Richard will never forget that day, 25th of august, last day of Rally Deutschland, his home rally and the one he had been waiting for the entire season. He'd been having a strong lead after the first two days of the competition. The third and final day was supposed to be just routine for him; drive like he always drives and bring home the victory. He'd had a sore throat the evening before but hadn't let it bother him because it usually just healed on it's own. That's why Richard hadn't even checked his temperature the following morning. If he had, he would've known that he had fever.  
  
The morning stages had gone well for them – Richard and his long-time co-driver Christian Lorenz, nicknamed Flake. It wasn't until the first stage of the afternoon when it had all gone wrong. Richard had started to feel even more ill than he did in the morning. Flake had noticed it too, and kept asking if Richard was able to continue driving or if they should withdraw from the competition. Richard, being stubborn and not wanting to withdraw from his home event, had insisted that he was in good enough shape to continue. _It's only two more stages to go and we can call this a victory, _he had told Flake.  
  
It was a fast section of the road just one kilometre before the finish line. It had rained the whole night so the road was slippery and the surface of the road was already worn from all the cars that had driven before them. Richard had felt how there wasn't much strength in his arms – the fever must've weakened him – and even turning the steering wheel had become a struggle for him. He'd felt like he needed all his concentration just to keep his pace and keep the car on the road. That's probably why he hadn't registered it when Flake had shouted, warning him about a sudden rock that had been revealed from under the dirt.  
  
There had been no time to react – after they'd hit the rock with a speed of 120 kilometres per hour, the car had rolled over countless times until it had reached the forest and bumped into the trees. It had caught aflame almost immediately. Luckily there had been lots of crowd in that area, so people had helped Richard out quickly. Flake had been stuck in the burning car, but the rescue units had come in no time and gotten him out as well.  
  
Richard took a sip from his coffee and noticed that it had gone cold. Once again he'd let himself think about that day all over again, when he shouldn't be doing that. Every once in a while the feelings just came rushing back, everything he associated with that day; humiliation, despair, fear, _guilt. _That was the hardest one to let go, guilt. The guilt of putting his own pride first. The guilt of having Flake end up on a wheelchair for god knows how long. The guilt of knowing that Flake can probably never sit in a rally car again. And finally, the guilt of making the decision to continue his career for one more season. It was actually Flake that pushed him to make that decision, and he really didn't deserve a friend like him.  
  
It was the middle of January now, and Richard was freezing in his hoodie so he made his way back inside. He didn't want to risk getting sick, not now when the start of the season was only a week away. He grabbed his laptop, sat on the couch and started mindlessly scrolling through the internet. Usually he tried to avoid reading anything rally-related when it was this close to the season start, because handling critique wasn't among his best qualities. In the past, Richard would sometimes read what people were saying about him on social media, and it always had resulted in him feeling insecure about himself, and Flake having to repair the damage.  
  
However, when he was scrolling through his Twitter he couldn't help but notice one article that he'd been tagged in. _Well, it's Rallye Magazin after all and not some gossip site, so what's the harm, _Richard thought to himself as he clicked the article open. At first it seemed like a normal article, speculating about the coming World Rally Championship season and comparing the teams and their driver choices. Nothing Richard hadn't seen countless times before, except that one particular part caught his eye. It was about him, his team and their newest driver.  
  
_As the season start in Rally Monte-Carlo is merely a week away, our most burning question is the one concerning TL Motorsport and the hierarchy among their drivers this season. As we all know, Richard Kruspe, the 40-year-old with one championship title to his name, is making an unexpected return after his accident last year. The tragic accident, in which an unlucky spectator was killed, took place last year in Rally Deutchland, and it looked almost certain that it would be the end for Kruspe's career in World Rally Championship. However, at the end of December Kruspe announced that he would make his return for one more season with a new co-driver called Christoph Schneider. Christian ”Flake” Lorenz, his co-driver since the early days of his career, will not be continuing due to a spinal injury he got in the accident._  
  
Richard felt his heart sink, and some of the guilt he'd been so hard trying to bury, came rushing back. He could at least deal with getting Flake into the accident, because he was his best friend and they could talk about it. Flake had assured him hundreds of times that the accident wasn't Richard's fault, that it was just the worst possible luck for both of them. But the man who had been in the crowd, the unlucky man who's only mistake was that he'd strayed to that specific side of the road which was unsafe... Richard could never talk to him, never apologize to him, never hear him say _there was nothing you could've done differently. _So he'd decided to bury that guilt instead and not deal with it, ever.  
  
_Ever since the end of last season, there has been constant speculation around Paul Landers, the 34-year-old rising star whose fantastic season in WRC2 resulted in him becoming second in the championship battle. It became clear that Landers was ready to be promoted to the world championship series. Around the same time as Kruspe announced his return, it was also confirmed that Landers would be joining TL Motorsport as their second driver._  
  
”_I couldn't be happier about this”, says Landers, as we got the chance to talk to him during his pre-season tests. ”I'm grateful for TL Motorsport for giving me this chance, and I promise I'll do my best to bring as many points to the team as possible, as well as challenge all the drivers in the battle for championship”._  
  
_It sounds like it'll be a tough battle this year, and nobody should take their position for granted. Landers indeed had a fantastic season last year, so good that he's even been called the ”future of this sport”. It might be too early for that, but nevertheless, Paul Landers will bring a breath of fresh air to TL Motorsport. There's even some speculation surrounding the position of Kruspe as number one driver in the team. According to a source that claims to be close to Kruspe, ”he hasn't been himself after the accident. He is not mentally anywhere near the driver he was before”._  
  
Richard wanted to throw his laptop off from his balcony. He almost felt sick to his stomach. Who was that source anyway, that claimed to be close to him? He didn't have many friends but the ones he had, would stand by him no matter what, and he didn't believe for a second that anyone of them would do that to him. It's just the writer's own speculation, a bunch of lies. He'd been stupid for even opening that article but still, he couldn't stop himself from being a masochist and scrolling through the comments section.  
  
”_If you ask me, Kruspe has seen his best days already. But hey, if he wants to do this one more time, good for him”. ”I'm putting all my money on that Landers boy! Kruspe's just some old has-been..”. ”If mr Lindemann has any sense in him, he'll make Landers their number one driver”. ”Landers is such a hottie! Finally there's a reason for me to watch rally..”._  
  
Under the headline of the article there was a picture of Paul Landers, probably taken during his test drives the other week since he was wearing his driving gear. He was casually leaning against the car, short strands of dark hair peaking from under the team's snapback. The two of them hadn't met each other officially yet, but of course Richard had been aware of Paul and his accomplishments.  
  
Richard stared at the picture for a while; it was as if Paul had been looking back at him with an arrogant smile and challenging look in his eyes. _I'm not some fucking has-been, and I'm going to prove that to you_, Richard said to himself. The season start was only a week away, and so was the big media event where they would finally officially meet. It was definitely going to be interesting. 

*****

Richard stood in the middle of his hotel room and tried to calm down his breathing. He had landed in Monte-Carlo the previous evening and settled into the hotel where their team, and almost all the other teams, stayed. Last night he'd also had dinner and a couple beers with Schneider to ease some of the nervousness. Even though he didn't show it, Richard knew that Schneider was as nervous as him about the rally. They had done several test drives together and Schneider was a professional, but working together was new for them. The relationship between a driver and his co-driver was a challenging one; you need to work together seamlessly and when you're in a car with someone for over a hundred days a year, your personalities must go well together. Richard and Flake had always bickered like an old married couple, but at the same time they would've trusted their lives in each other's hands.  
  
”Come on you old man, time to go!” Schneider's voice yelled from the hallway and snapped Richard awake from his thoughts. He snorted; he'd told Schneider about the article yesterday and eventually they'd just laughed about it.  
  
Richard took one last look at himself in the mirror as he walked past it, made sure that his black hair was peaking just the right way from under the team's sponsored cap that he was obliged to wear, and met Schneider in the hallway.  
  
”Are you excited to finally meet Landers? From what I've seen and heard, he seems like a decent guy”, Schneider spoke as they made their way to the hotel's big conference room. Richard looked at his friend and raised an eyebrow.  
  
”Decent? He seems kind of annoying to me, like he's a bit full of himself”, Richard stated. ”But I'll give him a chance, all right”, he added when he saw Schneider give him a questioning look. The truth was, no matter how many times Schneider or Flake had told him the article was complete bullshit, he hadn't really gotten over it. It wasn't the article itself that he was mad at, but the fact that it wasn't all lies. The article had only proved to Richard that the things he'd been silently afraid of, that others were thinking about them too. So he'd decided that he wouldn't let Paul Landers get the upper hand, not while he was still capable of keeping his car on the road.  
  
There was a smaller meeting room in which the drivers would be waiting for the press conference to begin. As they were getting closer to that room, Richard felt his heartbeat speed up a little. He'd done press conferences like this countless times before so there shouldn't have been anything to sweat about. Still, with every step that he took towards that room, Richard felt a growing urge to turn around and run. He absolutely hated himself for that.  
  
”You're gonna do just fine”, it was almost as if Schneider had noticed his inner struggle. Richard nodded to his co-driver, took one deep breath and entered the meeting room.  
  
Almost all the other drivers were there already, most of them sipping coffee and engaged in casual conversation. Richard couldn't help but feel uneasy when he heard the room go quiet when they walked in – but luckily it was only for a few seconds. Suddenly Richard was surrounded by all those familiar drivers who he'd learned to know so well. They were shaking hands with him, visibly excited about him being there and eager to get to know Schneider as well. For a while Richard forgot all about his nervousness – he was back where he belonged, and it was almost like he'd never been gone at all.  
  
”Sorry”, Richard heard someone say and turned around. ”Hi. My name's Paul Landers. It's umm.. it's nice to meet you”.  
  
Richard's mind went blank for a while. The man was a bit shorter than him, his dark hair slightly dishevelled since he'd just taken off his snapback. He looked a bit taken aback, eyeing Richard with an unsure look in his eyes. Richard suddenly noticed that the man had been holding out his hand for a while now.  
  
”Nice to meet you too, Paul. I'm Richard”, he finally managed to get the words out of his mouth and shook the man's hand. It felt warm, almost sweaty even – or was it his own hand, Richard couldn't be sure. For a moment he was annoyingly aware of himself, and quickly let go of the other man's hand.  
  
”So, I guess we're teammates now”, Paul stated with an excited smirk spreading across his face. Richard thought he looked so young, much younger than himself even though there was only six years between them.  
  
”Yeah, I guess we are”, Richard responded after a while. The smile on Paul's face grew even wider than before, and small crinkles appeared on the corners of his eyes.  
  
There was an awkward cough coming from someone standing behind Paul.  
  
”Oh, I'm being so rude”, Paul said apologetically. ”Meet my co-driver, Oliver Riedel. You can call him Oli, though” he explained as his co-driver shook hands with both Richard and Schneider.  
  
Finally the doors to the conference room were opened, and all the drivers walked in and took their places on the long table that was set in the front of the room. The room was filled with reporters and photographers, and Richard started to feel his mouth dry a little.  
  
It was fifteen minutes into the conference when everyone turned their attention to Richard.  
  
”So, Richard. How does it feel to be back?” one of the reporters asked. _Thankfully they started with an easy question, I can handle this, _Richard prepped himself mentally.  
  
”It feels really good to be back, I'm excited to be competing again. Of course there are some changes for me this year, new co-driver and all, but we're both excited”. _Basic answer for a basic question. _After that there were few questions about his and Schneider's collaboration, but nothing about the accident yet. Richard was starting to feel hopeful.  
  
”As we all know, you were involved in a tragic accident last season, in which a spectator lost his life.” _Well, shit. _”There's been some speculation going on about your mental state. Do you have anything you wish to say about that?” Richard clenched his fists under the table, his fingernails digging into his palms.  
  
”Of course an accident like that is challenging for anyone”, he started. ”But I'm a professional, I have a wonderful team supporting me and I'm more than ready to do my best this season”.  
  
After that the attention moved away from Richard. He unclenched his fists and felt his body relax a little. Of course he had been prepared for that question, but that didn't make it any easier.  
  
”Paul Landers, the newest addition to TL Motorsport”, Richard's head immediately snapped when he heard the name. ”How do you feel about your new team and most of all, we're eager to hear your thoughts on competing with Kruspe!” _Oh crap, here we go._  
  
”Well, obviously I'm thrilled to be a part of this team, it's a great opportunity. Richard is a great driver, I've been following his career for a long time. I'm looking forward to competing with him, and maybe even giving him some challenge”, Paul ended his answer with a huge grin. Richard rolled his eyes.  
  
”You did really well last season. Do you have any secret weapons, any rituals you do before competition?” one of the reporters inquired.  
  
”Well”, Paul started and went on with an amused tone in his voice, ”I have this really special pair of underwear-”, he was interrupted by Oli's laugh. ”I wear them every time i'm competing. They're my good luck underwear!” Paul explained, trying really hard to sound serious.  
  
”Do you at least wash them at the end of each day of driving? Or does that ruin the magic?”  
  
For some reason that Richard didn't even want to know, Paul turned to look at him and _winked _before he went on to answer: ”I guess we'll leave that to your imagination”. _My god, who is this guy and why do i have to suffer on the same team with him._  
  
The press conference was coming to it's end, but there was time for one last question. Of course it was directed at Richard, so he sighed in defeat.  
  
”So Richard, one last thing. Why did you want to return for one more season and more importantly, why is winning the championship so important to you?”  
  
_Shit, here we go. Say something diplomatic, something that makes people root for you but nothing too personal, _Richard's thoughts were bouncing around in his head.  
  
”Well. As you probably know, it wasn't a given that I would be returning after the accident. I mean, it wasn't possible with Flake, since he's still recovering, and I didn't know if I wanted to compete without him”, Richard took a short pause, but avoided looking at the reporters in the eye.  
  
”Motorsport has been the center of my life for a long time, and I felt like I still had that fire in me. Flake encouraged me to return, and he even introduced me to Schneider here, who has proven himself to be excellent to work with”, he gave a quick smile to his co-driver before continuing, ”Winning the championship title would be the perfect way to end a career, wouldn't it?” Richard concluded with a smile.  
  
The reporters seemed satisfied with the answer, and people started to get up from their seats, marking the end of the conference.  
  
Richard, however, forgot about his surroundings for a while, as his mind was filled with unspoken truths.  
  
_Because I don't want to be just remembered from the accident,_ would've been the most honest answer. _I want my legacy to be more than just ”that driver who got a spectator killed and put his best friend in a wheelchair”. I want people to respect me instead of looking at me with a pitying look in their eyes._  
  
_I'm just hoping that this was the right choice._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for the driving to finally begin! Paul comes to Richard's aid in an unexpected way.

*four months earlier*  
  
”So, what's the verdict? How long did they say you have to sit in that thing?” Richard asked and nodded his head towards the wheelchair his friend was sitting in.  
  
”They couldn't say anything for certain yet”, Flake sighed, ”but it's probably going to be at least six months”.  
  
Richard took a sip from his beer to prevent Flake from seeing the devastated look in his face. It was late september, him and Flake were sitting in a pub close to where he lived. It had been almost a month since the accident, and they were both having a hard time coping with the reality that was their life now. Flake was only at the beginning of a long and frustrating process to get back on to his two feet again. Richard's injuries hadn't been so severe, not physically at least.  
  
”So that means you won't make it in time for the season start?” Richard asked, even though he alredy knew the answer.  
  
Flake was silent for a moment, like he was debating what to say. ”You know this thing with my spine and all.. It's possible that I won't ever be able to sit in a rally car again. Even when I'm properly healed, it could be too big of a risk. You do know that, right?”  
  
Richard nodded, he wouldn't dare open his mouth to say anything because he was afraid he might actually start sobbing. This was not how things were supposed to go, not like this at all.  
  
They were both silent for a minute or two, lost in their own thoughts. It was Flake who finally spoke.   
  
”It doesn't have to mean that you can't still do it”.  
  
Richard had just been in the middle of taking a sip from his beer, but Flake's words caught him off guard so badly that he ended up coughing fiercely.  
  
”That's not an option!” he snapped, face still red from almost choking on his beer. Even the thought of continuing his career without someone who'd been there for him since the very first rallies he'd ever driven was just... It could never work. Richard couldn't imagine even driving a car without his trusted co-driver; they had been a team from the start, an inseparable unit. Despite from being one of the world's top professionals, Flake was also someone who knew Richard maybe better than anyone; what else would you expect after spending almost twenty years in a car with someone. From his winnings and celebrations to the most painful and desperate moments of his career – Flake had always been there.  
  
”I can't go back to that... that goddamn circus without you”, Richard stated.  
  
”Yes you can”, Flake insisted, looking determined. ”Because that thing you call _circus_, you need it, Richard. You need it as much as you need air and you know it”.  
  
Richard didn't say anything but he knew, they _both _knew that there was truth to Flake's words. No matter what happened, no matter how much pain it had caused him, driving was a crucial part of his life. Sometimes he even thought that driving _was _him, that there wasn't any version of this universe where Richard Kruspe wouldn't be driving a rally car. Imagining his future without competitive driving felt unnatural and twisted, like some force of nature had shifted and everything would feel out of place.  
  
”I've actually been thinking about this for a while”, Flake continued. ”I know this one guy, his name's Christoph Schneider and he's good, like proper good. And, he also happens to play drums so he'd make a nice addition to our little band!” Flake explained with a hint of excitement in his voice.  
  
”It seems like you've got this whole thing figured out already”, Richard muttered, not entirely sure how he felt about all of this.  
  
”So, will you at least consider this?” Flake asked, seeming intent on making Richard change his mind. Somewhere deep down, Richard begun to realise that there actually hadn't been any decision to make in the first place. He knew he couldn't let the accident be the end of his career. For the past month he'd been mentally a wreck, having nightmares after another and some days he'd even been afraid to get out of his apartment. Richard needed to erase that somehow; prove to himsef that he could stitch himself back together and also prove to everybody that he could still win.  
  
”Driving is the only thing I've ever been good at”, Richard finally spoke, his voice barely audible.  
  
”I take that as a yes then”, Flake announced with a smile. ”And by the way, that's not true at all. How about we get together and play something again sometime soon?”  
  
Richard smiled at his friend's enthusiasm. They had always been talking about how they would start a band after ending their rally careers; Richard on guitar and Flake on keyboards. They had even performed a couple of times already, mostly on open stage -type of events with some other friends.  
  
”Yeah, might as well do that sometime soon”.

  
*****

  
Richard was beating himself up mentally, frustrated at his own stupidity. _Why on earth did I have to google Paul fucking Landers?  
  
_It was the first day of Rally Monte-Carlo. The competition itself would have a ceremonial start in the evening, where they would be driving a route in the middle of the city. Even though it was a part of the official competition, it was mainly for the entertainment of the crowds; there would be a few big jumps, accompanied with some fireworks. Richard didn't really care about these types of events, he'd always preferred driving in the actual roads without all the hassle.  
  
But that was still hours away, and Richard was now lying in his hotel room bed, enjoying his much-needed time alone before the circus would start and he'd be sucked into the world of flashing cameras, cheering crowds and the constant sounds of engines purring. It's not like he hated all that; in fact, those things made Richard feel more alive than anything else. But in order to face all that, he needed to gather some strength alone.  
  
His plan most definitely hadn't been to end up watching video interviews of Paul Landers, but his curiosity had once again gotten the best of him. There was one specific video clip that caught his attention; it was published two days ago, on the same day of their press conference. Richard clicked it open, because apparently he just can't control himself these days.  
  
The interview was mostly just basic chatting about Paul's career and his expectations towards this season. Richard was almost about to close the video, but something that Paul said caught his attention.  
  
_”__And lastly, I wanted to ask you about your teammate Richard Kruspe. I can see that you're eager to continue your success this season as well, but do you feel like Kruspe's a threat to you?” _the reporter asked.  
  
”_I'm excited to be his teammate, but also to try my best against him. It's definitely going to be a challenge but to be honest, I don't feel like he's a threat to me”, Paul replied and flashed a big grin.  
  
_Richard shut his laptop with a loud bang and threw it on the bed.  
  
_I don't feel like he's a threat to me._  
  
Richard felt an unfamiliar anger boil in his chest. He didn't really understand why Paul Landers was getting under his skin so badly; being competitive was the main element of rallying, it was the point of his whole career. Other drivers say stuff like that in interviews all the time, so why was this man so different?  
  
***  
  
  
Richard had managed to shake most of his annoyment off when him and Schneider made their way to TL Motorsport's quarters in the service park. The mechanics were already rushing around, making sure that their cars would be ready for action.  
  
When they entered the lounge area in their team's quarters, Richard's eyes immediately spotted Paul. He was standing at the bar with a Redbull in his hand, talking to some of their PR staff and they looked like they were having a proper laugh. Richard glared at Paul when he put his hand on one of the ladies shoulder, and leaned closer to say something to her ear.  
  
_I don't feel like he's a threat to me.  
  
_”I wish he would take things more seriously” Richard muttered, mostly to himself but Schneider heard him and patted him in the back.  
  
”Ignore him. Oh – Till's here!” Schneider announced and they both turned to look at the black-haired man who was approaching them. He was dressed in his usual way; leather jacket with a black shirt underneath, black jeans and leather boots. He was definitely an unusual sight; everyone else was wearing their team's sponsored attire, but then again, they had all gotten used to Till's distinctive fashion sense.  
  
”Kruspe, Schneider, I take it you're well rested and ready for the action?” Till greeted them while shaking their hands.  
  
”Come with me, I need to have a quick word with you and Landers”, he ordered, sounding determined and started walking towards one of the meeting rooms, Richard and Schneider following him.  
  
Richard had always thought of Till Lindemann as a man of contradictions. He was capable of being the scariest man alive, who would make you shit your pants if you make a stupid mistake in a competition, but at the same time he could have the biggest heart. Richard remembers that when him and Flake had been rushed to a hospital after their accident, Till had stayed there the entire time. He hadn't even gone home to sleep before the doctors had confirmed that Flake would be alright. He'd sat in their room, trying to boss everyone who worked there around, and threatened to sue every reported who't tried to get in.  
  
After Paul and Oli had joined them in the meeting room, they all sat down around the table.  
  
”So, this is it”, Till begun with a serious tone. ”This is the moment we've been working for all these months. And I'm not here to give you some goddamn motivational speech because I know you don't need it. You're the best fucking drivers in the series and that's why you're working for me, for TL Motorsport. And why are you here, exactly?” Till concluded with a challenging voice.  
  
”To win”.   
  
It was Paul who spoke first, before Richard could even open his mouth. He looked at the man, shocked, only to see him with that annoying smirk he always had on his face.  
  
”That's damn right!” Till exclaimed. ”But I need you to remember that no matter how much you want to win for yourselves, you always need to keep your team in mind. Team _always _goes first, you get that?” he paused, waiting for all of the men to nod in understanding.   
  
”You all know that if you want to succeed in motorsports you sometimes have to take risks. But when it comes to choosing between what is best for _you_, and what is best for the team, it's always the team. That's something I need you to remember when you go out there tonight”.  
  
After that, Till wished them good luck for the evening and much to Richard's surprise, hugged all of them, and then he was out of the room; leaving the four men looking at each other with confusion in their faces. Richard had gotten used to it though, that you could never predict what kind of mood would Till be on.  
  
They all started to walk towards the door, Schneider and Oli engrossed in conversation about pacenote techniques. That's when Richard suddenly grabbed Paul's arm, forcing him to stay behind when their co-drivers walked out of the room. He wasn't even sure what he was doing, he had just acted on an impulse and now Paul was standing there and looking at him with raised eyebrows – and Richard just needed to say something. God, he was still fuming about what Paul had said earlier. _I don't feel like he's a threat to me._  
  
”Stay out of my way, Paul”, Richard demanded with a low, steady voice. ”That way it's going to be so much easier for the both of us”. Richard felt like it wasn't himself at all who was saying those words – his mouth had moved and voice had come out but somehow everything had felt out of his control.  
  
Before he could even realise, Paul had stormed out of the room. It was over so quickly that Richard was almost uncertain if the moment had happened at all. There was just one thing he was certain of, one fleeting image – Paul's face, brows furrowed in confusion, disappointment visible in his eyes.

***  
  


By the time him and Schneider had gotten themselves ready for the race, Richard had almost managed to bury the glimpse of regret that he had from his encounter with Paul. Schneider of course had noticed something was going on, and kept questioning Richard until he had finally given in. _Is that some kind of co-driver thing, to always notice even the smallest changes in someone's mood?_, Richard had wondered. Being the diplomatic person he is, Schneider had immediately suggested that maybe Richard had overreacted a bit, and that maybe he was being defensive.  
  
Richard knew there was probably some truth to his co-driver's words. He was so intent on winning and proving himself to people, that he saw things in black and white. But that was also a conscious choice for him – it was the only way Richard felt he could focus on what mattered.  
  
There was no time to think about that now – it was almost time for the first rally of the year to begin. Richard and Schneider had joined the other drivers for the one last press event before the start of the rally. They were all dressed in their racing suits, eagerly waiting for the real action to kick off.  
  
The press event started with a video showing some highlights from the last season; there was footage from big jumps, cheering crowds, bottles of champagne being sprayed in the air.  
  
That's when it all went to hell.  
  
It all happened in a big blur; there was footage from inside a car, and Richard knew what would happen before it even happened – next moment he was watching from the big screen how his car was spinning in the air violently. _Fuck, I can't breathe.  
  
_Richard only vaguely remembers what had happened next; he'd made up some hasty excuse and rushed out of there, and in that moment he hadn't even cared about what others would make of it. He hadn't noticed the two sets of eyes looking at him with concern – Schneider's and Paul's.  
  
Now Richard was sitting on a bench in their dressing room, face buried in his trembling hands.  
  
_I can't fucking do this. I can't go out there and go through all of that again.  
  
_He had never seen his crash on a video before. But seeing it like that on a big screen, barely half an hour before the start of the rally – he just hadn't been ready for that. He'd had a simple plan; to forget about the crash, and aim all his energy towards winning. That was the only way Richard thought he could go through with this. It seemed like his plan had failed him.  
  
_What if I go out there and something happens in the car and I panic? I can't let Schneider down like that.  
  
_Richard felt how tears were starting to gather in his eyes. His heart was thudding in his chest, and he was starting to feel dizzy. Everything was on the line now, literally everything, and he was about to mess it up.  
  
_I can't do this. But I can't give up driving, I'm nothing without driving. What the fuck am I going to do?  
  
_Richard was full-on sobbing now, he couldn't fight the tears anymore. He was clenching his fists so tightly that his fingernails dug into his palms, it hurt but he wanted it to hurt, _I deserve it. _  
  
_Nothing's the same as before, everything's changing and I can't keep up. Now Paul's going to take my place, he's younger and he's a better driver and -  
  
_There was a quick knock on the door, but before Richard could react the door already swung open and there he was, Paul Landers was looking at him with eyes full of worry. Richard immediately straightened his posture and quickly wiped his eyes with his sleeve, hoping that Paul wouldn't realise he'd been crying.  
  
”I've been looking for you everywhere. The stage starts in fifteen minutes, we need to go”, Paul announced while studying Richard's face. He felt alarmingly aware of himself, still on the verge of panic but at the same time, ashamed of being caught in that state.  
  
”You are coming, right?” Paul pushed and Richard still didn't say anything, what was he even supposed to say? So instead he just turned to look away, he couldn't stand seeing the pitying look in Paul's eyes. If he hadn't turned, he would've seen how Paul's face suddenly lit up with understanding. He took a few steps and sat on the bench next to Richard, who was still determined to look away.  
  
”Look, I don't understand what I've done to make you dislike me so much”, Paul begun, and on top of all the other feelings, Richard felt regret stinging in his chest. ”But you wanna know what?”  
  
There was still no answer from Richard, so Paul just kept talking.  
  
”I've always looked up to you. I remember four years ago, when I was only driving national rallies and you won the world championship, me and my friends went out that night to celebrate it. I had wrecked my car earlier that day, but that's not what I remember from that day. I just remember looking at you spraying champagne on tv, and thinking that I want to be there one day too”, Paul paused for a while, clearly thinking back to that moment and smiling.   
  
”Competing with you is definitely a dream come true, but I'm also scared shitless because I feel like a nobody next to you”, Paul admitted. ”But you have inspired me so much, and guess what? It's not even because of your championship. The moment I realised that I wanted to be like you, was after your accident – that day when you announced that you'd be returning. I remember thinking that if I could be even half as strong as you are, then it would all work out for me”.   
  
After that, there was just silence for a while – you could almost hear both of their hearts beating rapidly. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Richard tore his gaze off from the lockers and turned to look at Paul. There was something in his eyes that Richard couldn't quite read; few minutes ago he would've said that is was pity, but now he wasn't sure anymore. It was almost as if Paul was looking at him _gently_.  
  
Paul raised his eyebrows anad a smile was making it's way across his face.  
”So, are you ready to go?”

  
***

He didn't know what had happened, but somehow he had pulled himself together, sat on that car and driven it for three days like he'd never been gone in the first place – and that's how Richard had ended up spraying champagne down Schneider's throat on the podium.  
  
Till had looked like they'd just won the championship, even though it was only the first rally. And because Paul had finished third – which meant excellent points for the team championship standings – Till had decided that they all had deserved a party. So, he had booked an entire bar in the center of Monte-Carlo for their team's celebrations, and ordered so much expensive champagne that Richard was sure that he could've bought a brand new Skoda Fabia R5 rally car with that money.  
  
So that's what Richard was doing now – sitting in a booth with Schneider, Oli and some of their mechanics, while drinking that way too expensive champagne. They were all feeling exhausted but relieved, chatting about everything that had happened during the past three days.  
  
They were right in the middle of debating about the adjustments of their cars, when Paul appeared, looking like he'd had a few glasses of champagne already.  
  
”Scoot over!” he commanded with a slightly intoxicated voice. Even though there wasn't really room for another person, Paul nevertheless forced himself to the booth next to Richard.  
"You'll never guess what I just heard in the bathroom..."   
  
Richard couldn't properly concentrate on what Paul was telling them, his words seemed to blur into the loud music and noises surrounding them. He was starting to feel alarmingly aware of himself and his body. The booth hadn't been that spacious to begin with, and now Paul had squeezed in there as well, his shoulder and thigh constantly bumping into Richard's.  
  
He didn't really know where they stood. They hadn't properly talked after their encounter in the dressing room, other than a few quick words during the competition.  
  
Richard remembers this one moment from saturday afternoon, when they were waiting for a stage to begin, and they'd gotten up from the car to stretch their legs. There had been lots of crowd in the stage start, and Richard had heard someone shout his name; it was a man with a little boy standing next to him, holding his hand. Richard had walked up to them, and the man had asked if Richard could sign his son's cap. Richard had agreed, smiling, and the little boy had shyly taken his cap off his head and given it to Richard. It was in their team's colors and had ”RZK” embroidered in the front.  
  
”Maybe you're gonna be driving here one day too”, Richard had told the boy and high-fived him before he'd jogged back to his car. On his way he'd briefly met eyes with Paul, who had looked at him with a beaming smile.  
  
But now Paul was there, invading Richard's personal space and he didn't know if he wanted to run or stay. He felt an odd, tingling sensation where his thigh was touching Paul's. It was as if all his other senses were dimmed, and only the nerves on his skin were hyper aware of every little movement.  
  
Truth be told, Richard was scared as hell, in fact he had been ever since the dressing room incident. Paul had seen him at his weakest, and that made him feel like Paul had the upper hand. Richard was afraid that one day he would use that against him.  
  
”Kruspe, have you been listening to me at all?” Richard was snapped out of his thoughts and he met Paul's eyes, and _damn _they were suddenly a bit too close to his comfort. _Now was the time to bolt._  
  
”I- I need to go to the bathroom real quick” he stuttered, hastily climbed out of the booth and made his way to the toilets.  
  
After spending a few minutes in the bathroom stall calming himself down, Richard decided to return to the booth. He stopped for a moment however, and let his eyes wander to the counter, where he saw Paul talking to some woman. They were clearly laughing at something Paul had just said. The woman was looking at Paul intently, taking in his every word and flashing smiles at him. Paul apparently had lost his sponsor cap and hoodie; his dark hair was now a mess and he was wearing a black t-shirt. Richard noticed a tattoo on his upper arm and neck.  
  
Paul then took the woman by her hand and lead her towards the dancefloor.  
  
Richard decided that he needed a drink.  
  
**  
  
  
It was two in the morning when they'd finally gotten back to their hotel. Richard however didn't feel like going to sleep just yet, maybe it was the alcohol or the adrenaline that was still pumping in his veins from the race. So he lied on his bed and scrolled through his instagram, replying to some fan's comments and liking their pictures. He wasn't really into social media, but he sometimes did this for his fans.  
  
He opened a picture where he'd been tagged – it was a photo taken by some fan in the podium ceremony. Paul was tagged in the photo as well, and Richard just couldn't help his curiosity and tapped into Paul's account.  
  
Most of the pictures were related to rally; there were lots of action-filled photos of his car, and a few where him and Oli were celebrating at podium. But there were two pictures that especially caught Richard's eye. One was a black-and-white picture of Paul, sitting on a bed with an acoustic guitar in his lap. _Oh, he plays guitar as well?_  
  
But what Richard was even more confused about was a photo of _himself. _Or, it was a photo of him and Paul; he had sunglasses on and a serious look on his face, but Paul on the other hand, was grinning like he'd just win the championship himself. He looked at the date; it was taken three years ago at some rally, because he was wearing his driving suit. Richard then read the caption:   
  
_My inspiration.  
  
_He stared at the picture for a while, blinking. A weird sensation was starting to spread through his body, but he brushed it off as being the alcohol's fault.  
  
_Damn you, Paul Landers._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always appreciated^^
> 
> I'm going on a vacation for 4 days now, so I won't be able to write during that time. But I've planned the next chapter in my head already, so it will most likely be up by the end of next week :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things go downhill for Richard, Till has had enough and takes matters into his own hands, and everyone gets drunk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter ended up being a LOT of work! But it's finally ready, so here you go:

After Monte-Carlo it felt almost as if someone had pressed a fast-forward button – that's how quickly the first half of the season seemed to go by for Richard. From the snow-covered landscapes of Sweden all the way to the beaten desert roads in South America, they had driven a total of seven rallies.  
  
Ever since his win in the season start, Richard had gotten some of his confidence back. It felt incredible to be driving again, to have full control over his car and to drive like the car was a part of his body, an extension of himself.

_Kruspe takes victory in Sweden, and proves once and for all that he's definitely back in the game.  
  
  
TL Motorsport's boss celebrates in Sweden; click here to see a hilarious video of Lindemann singing karaoke!  
__  
  
”These f****** roads are breaking my car!” TL Motorsport's luck fails in Mexico. Kruspe comes in fifth place, Landers retires due to engine failure.  
  
  
__He's done it again! Another victory for Kruspe in Corsica. Landers second – amazing result for TL Motorsport.  
  
  
Drama in Argentina; Landers grabs second place, Kruspe drops to fourth.  
  
  
Landers unbeatable in Rally Portugal! Click here for Paul Landers' comments on his first ever WRC victory.  
  
  
_It had finally happened in Portugal – the one thing that Richard had been dreading. He had known that Paul was a brilliant driver and that he could easily grab his first win that season, but he hadn't expected for it to happen so soon. Richard could make up countless excuses for why it had happened; how the road conditions weren't good for his car setup, how they had chosen the wrong tyres for him... But there was no point, he knew what the reality was. Paul Landers was just a damn good driver, and even Richard had to admit that he deserved that win, even though it meant that he was now only ten points behind Richard in the championship standings.  
  
Richard felt like he was being pushed into a corner. Not only by Paul, but everyone, including the media. He felt like there was a big crowd just waiting for him to fail. No matter how good he felt about his driving, no matter how many times he managed to climb to the podium, there was still someone, a shadow, lurking behind him and waiting for him to screw up somehow.  
  
On top of everything, Richard's nightmares had taken a whole new form. These days his dreams always started with him climbing to the highest podium, ready to bask in the delirious sounds of the cheering crowds. Just as he's about to raise his hands to the air to celebrate, the crowds go silent. He turns around and sees that a massive screen has appeared behind him. Suddenly, a tape starts playing on that screen. It's video footage from an empty dressing room, until it isn't empty anymore – Richard sees himself storming into the room, running around in panic and eventually collapsing on the bench, crying like a child.

He then hears laughter from behind him, getting louder and more people joining in by every passing moment. He covers his ears because he can't stand to listen; can't stand the humiliation. All of a sudden the laughter fades away, and Richard finally dares to turn around to face the crowd – only to see his team standing right in front of him.  
  
”You're a failure”. Paul is the one to speak first. ”You're a failure who can't even get into his driving suit without crying like a baby” he mocks, laughing. Oli's there too, and so is Schneider. They both look at Richard with pitying look in their eyes, before they end up laughing as well.  
  
That's when Till appears from behind them. He walks right in front of Richard, who's still standing on the podium but only this time he isn't there to be celebrated, but as someone to be laughed at, to be pitied and humiliated.  
  
”You. You're out of the team”, Till spits, pointing his finger at Richard. ”I should've made Paul my number one from the start”. He then joins the rest of the team in their laughing; it rings in Richard's ears and he can't stand it, he closes his eyes but there's no escaping from the humiliation.  
  
For a short while Richard had thought that he'd gotten rid of the nightmares that had been his burden ever since the accident, but how wrong had he been.  
  
And Paul – well, Richard still wasn't sure where they stood. He almost couldn't remember the last time they'd even been alone with each other. It must have been in Chile, Richard had wandered into their team's dining room only to see that it was empty, apart from Paul who was sitting at the corner table eating his lunch. Thinking it would look weird to back down now, Richard had proceeded to grab some lunch and sat awkwardly at the table next to Paul's. _Like that didn't look weird at all. _It had been almost thirty days since then, not that Richard was counting.  
  
(He definitely was counting.)  
  
The thing is, after all these months driving in the same team, Richard still hadn't quite figured Paul out, and it was driving him insane more than he wanted to admit. He'd always thought he was decent in reading people, he instantly knew who to trust and who to avoid. Paul on the other hand, was full of contradictions.  
  
For instance, one moment the man seemed to be intent on giving Richard as much pressure as possible, acting all cocky in interviews and shooting him with challenging looks. The next moment he was determined to help Richard and behaving like he even _cared_ about him. Soon after he would be back to his normal goofy self, with a sole purpose of annoying the crap out of Richard. That's how he felt like, anyway.  
  
And the media, they just seemed to adore Paul. Even though Richard had learned from his past mistakes – and from Flake's motherly lectures – he couldn't completely avoid seeing some of the headlines.  
  
_Who is Paul Landers? Get to know the rising star of the rallying world  
  
Rally Portugal kicks off this evening – all the bets are on Landers!  
  
Paul Landers – the man who made rally hot again  
  
_Richard just couldn't understand all that hype surrounding his teammate. Sure, he was a good driver and everybody was getting along with him, not just TL Motorsport but other drivers as well. But still, if you asked Richard, that was all beside the point; they were there to drive, to compete for the championship, not sucking up to the media or joking around with PR women.  
  
Despite all those things, there was one issue that it all came down to. One that Richard couldn't ignore. _Paul knows that I'm weak, he's seen it up close. I can't afford to give him a chance to use it against me.  
  
_It's no surprise that eventually other people had started to notice as well that him and Paul weren't exactly friends. Schneider was the first one to bring it up.  
  
”Look, Reesh. Earlier today I came across this article...”, he started when they were in the dressing room getting ready for a day of test driving.  
  
”Yeah?”  
  
”It was about our team, or well, mostly about you and Paul”, Schneider continued tentatively.  
  
”What about me and Paul?” Richard tried his best to hide the curiosity in his voice.  
  
”It claimed that TL Motorsport's drivers don't get along with each other. It more or less hinted that you hate each other, and that you're ruining the atmosphere for the whole team. Which is complete bullshit, but you know how the media loves to stir up drama”, Schneider said, looking at Richard with concerned expression. ”The thing is, if rumors like this start to spread, it's not going to look good for our sponsors. Not to mention what Till is going to say about it...”  
  
Richard let out a defeated sigh. ”I don't hate him, you do know that, right? It's just that... I'm so fixated on winning, because I feel like that's the only way I can put the accident behind me. And Paul is, he's...” Richard had to pause for a while to make sense of his own thoughts.  
  
”Let's just say I wasn't _prepared _for him_. _I had a plan, and this team means the world to me, it's my home for god's sake, and suddenly everything's changing. And I'm not good with change”, he reluctantly admitted. That's when he realised that it was the first time he'd opened up to his co-driver about anything, and that thought made Richard feel a bit uneasy. So he grabbed his helmet from the bench and begun fiddling with the strap nervously.  
  
”Just so you know, I'm not judging you”, Schneider said reassuringly.  
  
”I know I haven't really talked to you about this stuff”, Richard admitted, feeling more at ease now. ”But if you're even half as smart as Flake, which I know you are, you've probably figured all this shit out already”, he concluded with a smile.  
  
”That's what us co-drivers are for”, Schneider laughed. ”Who needs therapists anyway”.  
  
****  
  
Four tenths of a second. _Four fucking tenths.  
  
_That was the margin between Paul and him.  
  
They'd been battling for three days now, one moment it was Richard who was on the lead, and next moment it was Paul. Neither of them were willing to give up.  
  
By the time him and Schneider drove the car to service for one last time, Richard wasn't sure if his body was shaking from panic or adrenaline – it might have been both. There were only two stages left to drive, and Paul was on the lead. It wasn't a big gap, only four tenths of a second, but it was enough to make Richard feel slightly nauseous. He felt as if there was a battle going on inside his head; the other side was cracking under the pressure, desperate and unpredictable, and the other was trying to focus on the big picture, to bring the car to the finish line and take all possible points for himself and the team.  
  
_If Paul wins, he's going past me in the championship standings. _That thought was terrifying, almost paralyzing, and Richard tried his best to keep it out of his head.  
  
  
After he'd driven his car to the pit, the mechanics were instantly on it, hurrying to make last-minute adjustments before the final stages. When Richard got out of his car and started walking towards their team's quarters to get some rest, he was quickly surrounded by reporters, eager to get his comments before the grand finale. He noticed that Paul was in the same situation as him, only couple of meters away from him. The reporters were bombing Richard with questions, pushing their microphones into his face but he was having hard time concentrating. He didn't really pay attention to what the reporters were asking, he just gave them random comments and at the same time he was trying to hear what Paul was saying.  
  
”You're two stages away from taking your second ever WRC win, but your teammate's right behind you. How are you feeling about that?” Paul was being asked.  
  
”Well it's going to be a tough battle for sure, but I'm not too worried. I've found a good pace this weekend and I just need to keep it that way”, he responded.  
  
That's when Richard's patience ran out, he didn't even bother saying anything to the reporters before he stormed inside to his team's building, slamming the door on his way.  
  
_Fuck, I need to pull myself together. Don't let Paul get to you, don't let him get to you... _Richard tried to calm himself down, but it did little to the nauseous feeling that had taken over his body. His mouth felt uncomfortably dry, so he walked to the fridge in their lounge area and grabbed a Redbull. He'd just opened the can and taken a sip from the drink when he quickly turned around to leave – only to bump straight into no other than Paul himself.  
  
”Fucking hell!” Richard cursed, wiping the front of his driving suit where his drink had spilled. _Great, this is just fucking great.  
  
_Paul was quick to grab some napkins from a table near them, and he clumsily attempted to wipe Richard's driving suit, but the damage had already been done. Paul's hands stopped for a brief moment, and suddenly Richard grew alarmingly aware of their close proximity. He'd tried to force Paul out of his mind; their competition was just too intense at the moment and Richard needed to concentrate, but he couldn't control his thoughts now that Paul was standing only a few inches away from him. The nauseating feeling in his stomach was getting stronger by every second and the collar of his driving suit suddenly felt too tight.  
_Why is he doing this to me?_  
  
”Reesh, I'm sorry for bumping into you, I-” _Did he just call me Reesh?_  
  
It was like some button had been pressed inside Richard brain – he'd been forcing himself to keep his shit together for the whole weekend, and he'd been doing just fine ignoring all his emotions, but now Paul managed to cause a crack on his shield... And Richard reacted in the only way he was capable of at the moment.  
  
”You don't get to call me that”, he hissed, and Paul instantly took a few steps back, looking confused. ”And stay out of my way, like I've already told you”.  
  
Paul's eyes went wide and he was looking at Richard with a shocked expression, which soon turned into anger.  
  
”What the hell is wrong with you?” he demanded, and before Richard could even react Paul had already stormed off, leaving Richard frozen in his place, heart pounding and nausea swirling in his stomach.  
  
He stood there for a long time, trying to comprehend what had just happened. He didn't understand where his words had come from – what was it about Paul that was making him act this way?  
  
”Everything alright?” It was Till's firm voice that brought Richard back from his shockened state. He couldn't yet bring himself to say anything, so he just nodded instead.  
  
”Look, it's intense between you guys right now and-” _Intense? What is he talking about, did he just see – oh, he's talking about the rally. ”_And I know you're both competitive, but we need both cars to finish to secure the team points. So don't do anything stupid, alright?” Till instructed with a serious tone in his voice.  
  
”I won't”, Richard promised and forced a smile on his face.  
  
”Good. I trust you”, Till said and patted Richard's shoulder before rushing off.  
  
****  
  
This was it. There was only one more stage left of Rally Sardinia.  
  
Richard had forced himself together and driven such a good time on the second to last stage that he was now leading Paul by tenth of a second. It wasn't a big gap so the competition between them was now basically even, but still, it was for Richard's advantage.  
  
They were now waiting for their turn to drive to the starting point of the last stage. Schneider was focused on going through his pacenotes for one last time, but Richard on the other hand, he was having a hard time keeping his focus on their upcoming drive. The stage was short, only around four kilometres so he knew that Paul was about to finish; there were three cars between them in the starting order.  
  
Somewhere in his head was probably a voice trying to scream ”don't do it!”, but Richard nevertheless grabbed his phone from his pocket. He needed to see Paul's time, he felt like he couldn't drive if he didn't know what he was up against.  
  
When he opened the results, Richard felt his heart skip a few beats.  
  
”Fucking hell” he muttered to himself but it was loud enough for Schneider to notice.  
  
”Paul just finished the stage five seconds faster than everyone else”, Richard explained. Five seconds was a lot on a short stage like that. ”Where the hell does he get that speed from?”  
  
”Reesh, calm down. Why on earth did you even have to check his time? You know that's the worst thing you can do at a moment like this”, Schneider demanded, sounding annoyed.  
  
”I don't know”, Richard snapped, aiming his frustration at Schneider who was lecturing him like he was a child who'd done something stupid.  
  
”Just – trust me okay? I know what I'm doing”, Richard insisted and put his feet on the pedals; it was their time to go.  
  
_Three, two, one – drive.  
  
_The first two kilometres Richard drove brilliantly, he felt like the car was responding to his every command and their speed was on point. However, as they started getting closer to the finish line, Richard got the disturbing feeling that what he was doing wasn't _enough. _Driving fast wasn't going to be enough to beat Paul's time, he needed to do more.  
  
”Thirty, left five minus over crest opens over forty, tightens four plus...” Schneider was reading his pacenotes in a tight rhythm, and Richard tried to focus as best as he could but at the same time he couldn't shake off the thought of not doing enough.  
  
_Only one kilometre to go, I need to __be faster than this__.  
  
_Schneider must have noticed that they were now driving at risk limit. ”Take it easy!”, he commanded sharply in between his pacenotes. That didn't have any effect on Richard. They approached a tight corner, and Schneider immediately felt how Richard's speed didn't match what they had written on the pacenotes; he was driving into the corner way too fast.  
  
Next there was a loud bang and the car jolted with force; they had most likely hit a rock. Their speed was suddenly decreasing rapidly and the car was now only limping forwards.  
  
”Fucking hell!” Richard shouted, banging his fists to the steering wheel.  
  
”Front right tyre's missing”, Schneider announced, trying to stay composed in the catastrophic situation. ”We need to stop and change the tyre if we're going to get to the finish”.  
  
Richard steered the car off from the stage in the next junction. They jumped out of the car and Schneider immediately grabbed the spare tyre and begun mounting it.  
  
_It's over now, I've lost. _Desparate thoughts were filling Richard's head. He couldn't understand what had happened, how it was possible for him to fuck things up so majestically on the last stage.  
  
He took off his helmet and tossed it on the ground, accompanied by multiple swear words.  
  
_Oh my fucking god. Till is going to be furious._  
  
****

Driving the car back to the service park and everything that followed after was easily the most terrifying thing Richard had done in years. He couldn't decide which part was worse; was it getting out of the car in the pit, and being met with disappointed silence instead of the usual cheering that followed a succesful day. Was it the moment he walked into their team's quarters, feeling everyone's eyes on him and despite trying to avoid it, eventually meeting Paul's gaze. Or was it being lead by Till towards a meeting room where he would soon yell at Richard for fifteen minutes straight.  
  
”I fucking told you not to go rogue! I couldn't have been more clear when I told you that we needed both cars to finish, and yet you still can't let go of your pride. One more stunt like this and you'll be out of the team!”  
  
Yes, facing Till was most definitely the worst part. Richard was sure that everyone else were gathered behind the door, eating popcorn while listening to him being yelled at.  
  
After Till was done with his shouting, and after Richard had almost thrown up from being so nervous, things gradually begun to cool off.  
  
”Look, I know you're the best driver in the world at the moment and I just wish that you would realise that too”, Till spoke, and something that resembled a smile made it's way to his face.  
”I didn't expect you to come back so soon after last year, but you did and you've already exceeded everyone's expectations.”  
  
”But not my own. I'm expecting more from myself”, Richard insisted.  
  
”I know you do. That's why you're on my team”, Till added, offering his hand to Richard. He took it; it felt like they were now seeing eye to eye on things, and Richard could head towards the four-week summer break with slightly less burdened mind.  
  
****

It had become a tradition for TL Motorsport to host a mid-season party for the whole team after the last rally of the spring. This year was no exception – Till had booked them a fancy club in the middle of Berlin and invited the whole team including friends and family, all former employees and all of their business associates. And judging by Richard's experiences from all the years he's been in the team, the sole purpose of the party was to get absolutely wasted and let Till pay for everything.  
  
So that's where he was, leaning against the bar with a beer in his hand and engrossed in a conversation with Flake. Richard hadn't seen his best friend in months; Flake had been busy with his physiotherapy and Richard was abroad most of the time. Last time he'd seen his friend, Flake had been sitting in a wheelchair but now he was back on his own two feet, even though he still needed crutches for support.  
  
”You don't understand how thrilled I am to see you walking again”, Richard beamed. ”I mean, we've been talking about it for weeks now but it's different now that I actually see you in person. You'll be back in the car with me in no time!”  
  
”Reesh, you know that's not going to happen”, Flake reminded, and Richard's face instantly fell. He did know that he'd been carrying a false hope – he probably always would.  
  
”Let's change the subject now before I ruin your mood”, Flake insisted, and furrowed his brows like he was trying to think of something to talk about. His eyes soon landed on Richard's shirt and his face lit up.  
  
”What's up with that shirt? Are you trying to hit on someone?”  
  
”What? No!” Richard shouted, sounding offended. He wasn't even wearing anything odd, not this time at least. He admitted that he sometimes had a unique taste for fashion, and he was particularly proud of his collection of ”psychedelic shirts”, as Flake used to call them. This time however, Richard had opted for a black, tight-fitting button-up shirt and a pair of black jeans that in his opinion made his ass look nice, not that he actually cared. And since the party wasn't an official event and they weren't obliged to wear sponsored attire, Richard had even styled his hair a bit with gel.  
  
”Lorenz! It's good to have you back with us”, Till shouted from behind Flake and before the poor man had the chance to react, Till had captured him in a drunken hug.  
  
”You, on the other hand”, he said and gave Richard a look that probably was meant to be hostile, but ended up being slightly grotesque because Till was clearly holding back laughter.  
  
”I'm still pissed at you, but I'm willing to forget about it for tonight because we've all earned this!” he announced loudly and ordered them a tray full of vodka shots from the bar.  
  
Richard was about to pour the drink down his throat when he saw Paul approaching them from the crowd – and suddenly Richard's hands weren't in sync with his brain anymore and he ended up spilling most of the vodka on his shirt. _Fucking hell.  
  
_It was the first time he'd ever seen Paul dressed in something other than driving gear or sponsored attire, and it was like looking at a completely different person. Paul was wearing a tight black t-shirt that highlighted his petite but still toned upper body, paired with black jeans and combat boots. _That fucker even has an earring.__  
  
_Richard tried to avoid meeting Paul's gaze as the other man joined them at the bar. He decided that another vodka shot was in order, so he reached his hand towards the tray. Apparently Paul had the same idea since he tried to grab the exact same shot glass as Richard, which of course resulted in their hands touching briefly. Richard yanked his hand away like it had touched something burning hot.  
  
Thankfully everybody's attention shifted to Schneider and Oli, who stumbled towards them from the dance floor. They looked like they'd had a few shots already.  
  
”Reesh! You need to come dance with us”, Schneider insisted and grabbed Richard's hand, trying to drag him towards the dancefloor.  
  
”Hell no, I don't dance”, Richard grunted, to which Paul snorted loudly.  
  
”Why are you so tense all the time?” Schneider inquired. Richard let out a frustrated laugh and looked at Flake, hoping to get some assistance. Flake just shrugged.  
  
”I know why”, Till joined the conversation. ”Seriously, when was the last time you got laid?”  
  
This was definitely not the direction Richard wanted this conversation to go to.  
”None of your business”, he muttered, giving an angry look to Schneider and Oli, who were having way too much fun.  
  
To Richard's delight, Till wasn't planning on giving up.  
  
”I'm telling you this not as your boss but as your friend”, Till started. ”You seriously should get laid. When was the last time?”  
  
”For fuck's sake, how would I have time for that when I'm always travelling”, Richard defended. He suddenly felt hot all over, not wanting to be in the center of this kind of attention.  
  
”C'mon, you're the famous RZK, fastest German that ever lived”, Till stated and gave Richard a wink. Paul was trying to hold back laughter but failed.  
  
”What are you laughing at?” Richard snapped, sounding more harsh than he'd intended. Luckily Oli saved the situation by announcing that he needed to use the bathroom.  
  
”Where are the toilets, by the way?” he inquired.  
  
”Just walk straight across the dancefloor and then take a left”, Schneider instructed, accompanied by drunken hand gestures. Oli nodded and started wobbling towards the direction he'd been told.  
  
Richard gave Schneider a questioning look. ”You do realise that you just instructed him to women's toilet? Men's toilets are on the _right”_, he corrected.  
  
”Left, right, who cares”, Schneider stated with a shrug and wandered off to the dancefloor.  
  
”Jesus, how is this man one of the world's top co-drivers and yet he can't tell right from left”, Richard laughed, but he was soon cut off by Till clearing his throat.  
  
”Alright”, Till begun. ”I haven't said anything sooner but this has been going on for way too long now, and I've had enough. So follow me, you two!” he ordered. Richard gave Flake a questioning look, but he just mouthed ”I don't know” so Richard followed Paul and Till to wherever they were going.  
  
  
It ended up being a small room at the back of the club, probably where the staff could rest during their shifts. Till guided both Richard and Paul into the room, and stood on the doorway himself.  
  
”What's going on?” Paul inquired, sounding suspicious.  
  
”What's going on is that you two are going to talk and sort it out, whatever the problem is between you. I'm not tolerating this on my team anymore”, Till demanded. ”I'm going to be guarding the door and you'll be here until morning if that's what it takes”, he insisted.  
  
The door closed with a loud bang, and left Richard and Paul standing in the middle of the small room, looking completely shocked.  
  
"Well isn't this just great", Richard muttered as he sank himself on the couch. Paul soon followed him, letting out a deep sigh as he leaned back and rested his head against the soft material. They were silent for a while, their breathing being the only sound in the room accompanied by the muffled sound of the music coming from the club.  
  
"Look, Till is one of the most headstrong people I know, and he sure isn't giving up. So we'll be here until morning if he decides so", Richard stated, admitting his defeat.  
  
"Yeah I figured", Paul sighed but didn't continue; he didn't even look at Richard, and instead kept his eyes stubbornly on the opposite wall. Richard didn't want to admit it at first, but Paul's behavior was starting to bother him more than it should. Although, he was aware that this was all his own fault; he's the one who's been hostile towards the other man from the very beginning.  
  
It might have been the alcohol's fault, but Richard's stubborn principles started to crack a little.  
  
"Since we're here, we might as well talk", Richard finally spoke. He turned to Paul, searching his gaze but the other man showed no reaction, keeping his eyes glued to the wall. _Fair enough, I probably deserve this._  
"Look, I know I haven't exactly been nice towards you-" Richard was cut off by Paul's sudden burst of laughter.  
  
"Understatement of the century", Paul mocked, laughter in his voice. "But go on".  
  
Richard took a few deep breaths, trying to figure out the right thing to say. He wanted to do this properly, perhaps he owed that to his teammate, but thanks to the numerous shots he'd had his thinking wasn't exactly fluent at the moment.  
  
"I don't act this way just out of spite, you know", Richard explained. "You're an amazing driver and you deserve to be on the team, even more than I do." He mumbled the last part quietly, not quite believing that those words even came out of his mouth. Paul definitely heard it, and he immediately shifted on the couch so that he was facing Richard. He looked at him with widened eyes and eyebrows raised, like he almost couldn't believe what he'd just heard.  
  
"That was the first time in over five months that you've said something nice to me", Paul said with surprise in his voice.  
  
"Hey! That's not true", Richard defended. "In that one interview I said that you're a great driver".  
  
"That doesn't count, you're obliged to say stuff like that for the media", Paul argued.  
  
"But I meant it, though", Richard insisted, and tentatively turned his eyes to Paul, curious to see his reaction. Turns out that Paul was already looking at him, and their eyes met properly for the first time that evening. Paul's lips turned into a cautious smile, and small wrinkles appeared to the corners of his eyes. He seemed a bit reserved though, like he wasn't completely sure how he was supposed to act in front of his teammate. That caused a shot of guilt to pierce through Richard.  
  
"I've been wondering what I've done wrong", Paul started, his face serious again and eyes shifting away from Richard. "I've looked up to you for so long, and then I suddenly got the chance to drive on the same team with someone who's been my idol for so long. I'd never been so excited for anything".  
  
Richard met Paul's eyes again, and he noticed they were this bluish grey shade, kind of like the sky had looked in Berlin that afternoon and there was a hint of disappointment in them _and please don't say anything more, I know this is all my fault and I've been an idiot-_  
  
"You completely shut me out, made me feel like I wasn't good enough to be on the team and I don't know what I've done wrong".  
  
_This fucking hurts. But I've probably deserved this._  
  
"You haven't done anything wrong", Richard rushed to say. He figured that honesty was the best way to go, so he continued:  
  
"You've probably guessed this already, but I've been struggling a lot after the accident. And I felt like the only way to put it behind me was to continue driving like it had never happened. Or maybe I wanted to prove to myself that I still had it in me, that the accident hadn't taken everything from me.” Richard couldn't dare to look Paul in the eyes anymore, telling all this to him felt intimate enough.  
  
”Driving for Till's team has been the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I thought that everything would still be the same. But suddenly you were there, driving fast and looking annoyingly good and everyone was so hyped about you, and then there's all this shit in the media about you replacing me-”  
  
”You think I look good?” Paul asked, sounding surprised.  
  
_Fuck, did I say that out loud?  
  
_"That's beside the point!" Richard snapped, but the damage had already been done; the embarrasment was making him feel hot all over, and judging by the grin on Paul's face, he was probably blushing as well. Richard however was determined to forget about it, so he continued:  
  
"Then there was the incident before the first race... You walked in on what must've been the weakest point of my career. Nobody's ever seen me like that, and since then I've been scared shitless that you're going to use it against me.”  
There it was finally, out in the open. Richard kept looking at his lap, he didn't want to raise his gaze and see Paul looking at him with pity on his eyes, or even worse, laughing...  
  
"I would never do that", Paul stated with a serious tone, and as Richard finally met his eyes again, he knew that he was being honest.  
  
"I've been so messed up these last months”, Richard confessed. ”So fixated on winning that it's been easy to think of you as my rival.”  
  
There was something comforting and understanding in the way Paul kept looking at him.  
  
"All this time I've been wondering why you're always so moody and cocky on the outside, but now it's starting to make some sense”, Paul said with a smile.  
  
"I act that way because it's my shield, it's my way of coping with all the pressure”, Richard explained, and he realised that Paul was the first person he'd ever told that. And the funny thing is, that thought didn't bother him almost at all. ”But you on the other hand, you seem like you don't stress about anything, you're just joking around all the time”.  
  
"Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe that's _my _shield?” Paul answered, his eyebrows raised.  
  
Richard tried to contain his smile but eventually he just gave up. _I guess we have __some things in common after all.__  
  
_”So, maybe we could try to be civil with each other from now on?” he suggested and held out his hand, expecting his teammate to shake it. Paul on the other hand, had a completely different plan. He quickly shifted on the couch and before Richard could even realise what was going on, Paul had already wrapped his arms around him and pulled him in for a hug.  
  
Richard froze for a short moment, and in that moment Paul probably got scared that he'd crossed some line and started to pull away; that's when Richard got back his ability to move and quickly wrapped his arms around the other man.  
  
It felt odd at first – they were still sitting on the couch and Richard's upper body was at a weird angle, it had all happened so fast. Paul let out a sigh, and Richard felt hot air hit the sensitive skin on his neck and suddenly he was getting goosepumps all over. He hadn't hugged anyone like this in a long time; Till usually gave him a hug after a successful rally, and so did Schneider, but those were quick hugs, given in a moment of celebration. This was... this was different.  
  
Richard was slightly drunk and relaxed and for a moment he considered just staying there and maybe falling asleep. Paul shifted a little, and it was almost as if he'd tightened his hold on Richard a bit. He felt warm under Richard's hands, and it should've all felt strange and Richard should've probably been panicking right now but for some reason he didn't, and he was too drunk to care.  
  
The sound of a door opening startled them and they quickly jumped away from each other.  
  
”Oh, I'm so sorry, I hope I didn't interrupt anything. We're just coming here to have our break”, a woman, probably one of the staff, explained.  
  
”It's okay, we're leaving anyway”, Richard rushed to get up from the couch and almost ran to the hallway, followed by Paul. Soon they noticed that something was missing, or more like someone.  
  
”Where's Till?”  
  
***  
  
It didn't take long for them to locate their boss. Apparently he'd been lured away from his guarding duties by Schneider and Oli, who had dared him to sing karaoke; it was already common knowledge that Till would never say no to that. So that's where he was, in the club's karaoke section singing German schlagers with his deep voice, taking a large sip from his beer between each verse.  
  
As the evening progressed, Richard became more and more intoxicated. Ever since his talk with Paul, he'd had this annoying itch on his mind that he hadn't managed to shake off, even with all the drinks he'd had. Despite their talk, he felt like he still couldn't completely figure Paul out, and to be honest, the man was a walking contradiction.  
  
”I just don't understand him at all!” Richard whined to Flake, who was currently looking at his friend and trying to contain his laughter. They were leaning against the bar; Richard was holding a bright orange drink topped with a colourful umbrella, and the contrast between his pouting face and the drink was too hilarious for Flake to ignore.  
  
”Like, one minute he's hugging me, for fuck's sake, and next he's out there flirting with everything that moves”, Richard continued his rant, because apparently he didn't have any filters now. He kept glaring at the dancefloor where he'd just seen Paul dancing with some women he didn't recognize.  
  
”Reesh, you're such a drama queen when you're drunk”, Flake informed, which earned him a hostile glance from his friend.  
  
”Am not”, Richard insisted, still pouting. ”It just pisses me off when people aren't making any sense”.  
  
”I hate to break it to you my friend, but you're the only one here who's not making any sense”, Flake said with a laugh. ”Stop moping around and go dance with him.”  
  
”I don't wanna dance with Paul!” Richard snapped, slammed his drink on the bar with such force that it spilled on the counter. He turned to look at Flake, and for a while they kept eyeing at each other like they were having a staring contest. Finally Richard rolled his eyes, as if to say ”fine”, and headed to the dancefloor, leaving Flake giggling on the bar.  
  
The dancefloor was packed with people, all swaying to the loud thumping of the music. It was hard to focus your eyes because everything was a blur of flashing lights, fog and bodies moving all around. Richard then managed to get a glimpse of Paul and tried to push his way through the crowd. Paul's face lit up immediately when he spotted him. He waved his hand at Richard, signaling for him to come over.  
  
”What are you doing here? I thought you don't dance”, Paul almost had to shout the words because the music was so loud.  
  
”I don't know”, Richard blurted, as his brain was once again failing him. He really hadn't thought about this through.  
  
”Well, you might as well dance while you're here”, Paul suggested and _winked, _for god's sake. Richard had a tendency to make bad decisions when he was drunk; there could be no other explanation to why he stepped closer to Paul, not close enough to touch though, and begun moving himself to the music. Paul looked a bit taken aback, like he wasn't actually expecting this from Richard, but he soon recovered and a smile returned to his face.  
  
For a while they kept dancing like that, with a safe distance between their bodies and Richard kept glancing at Paul every once in a while, noticing how the blue and purple lights were dancing across his face.  
  
It all changed when someone bumped into Richard with so much force that he was lurched forwards. Paul was quick to grab a hold of him, steadying Richard with hands on his waist. Richard drew in a sharp breath at the contact, but he didn't step back even though he was steadily on his own feet again. Instead he moved his hands up, lightly touching Paul's biceps like asking for a permission, _I don't know what this is but can I do this? _And as Paul showed no sign of objection, he moved his hands on Paul's back, his palms flat against the soft material of his t-shirt.  
  
Richard barely had the courage to meet Paul's gaze but when he did, his mind suddenly became clouded by anticipation and slight nervousness, he almost felt light headed. It was as if something had shifted in Paul's eyes, and he closed them for a while, chest rising and falling with heavy breathing. Richard suddenly realised how close they actually were; he could've counted every single one of Paul's eyelashes, he saw the way his nostrils were twitching slightly with his breathing and how the disco lights were glistening on his earring.  
  
Paul then opened his eyes and his hands moved on Richard's waist, his thumbs pressing into the soft skin and if there ever was any sense left in Richard's mind, it was all gone now, driven away by the way Paul was gripping his waist. There was only a few centimetres between their bodies, and Richard was breathing so heavily that his chest almost touched Paul's every time he inhaled.  
  
He couldn't decide if their bodies were too close, or if they just weren't _close enough. _Paul was staring at him intently, and Richard almost couldn't look him in the eyes anymore because it was all _too much _and then Paul moved his hands again, this time they ended up on Richard's lower back and it was like his whole body was about to catch fire.  
  
Throwing all caution to the wind, Richard tugs Paul a bit closer, and there wasn't really any space between them to begin with but now their chests were pressed together, Richard felt Paul's thigh against his own and they were still moving but definitely not to the beat. They seemed to have a rhythm of their own, their bodies responding to every touch and it was all getting too much -  
  
”Here you are!” It was Till's voice that shouted, and Richard's heart surely skipped a few beats. He let go of his hold on Paul and stepped back, his body still feeling like it was burning at all the places Paul had been touching him.  
  
”Kruspe, you need to come and sing with me. It's a team's order”, Till announced, grabbed Richard's arm and started dragging him away from the dancefloor.  
  
Richard quickly caught Paul's gaze, and his expression was filled with something that Richard couldn't quite get hold of. Hell, he didn't even have a clue what he was feeling himself. All reason had abandoned him hours ago, all that was left was a tingling sensation in his body and patches on his skin that still felt hot, like they'd been freshly burned.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The summer break is getting on Richard's nerves, so Flake comes up with a plan. And that leads to some interesting revelations.. This chapter includes a lot of pining, some denial, and even more pining.

If spring had seemed to go by in a blink of an eye, then summer was the complete opposite. They were only one week into their month-long summer break, and Richard was already getting anxious; the days seemed to be dragging by slower than ever. June in Berlin was turning out to be hot and sunny that year, and that made Richard feel even worse. The contrast between his mood and the world outside his apartment was heavy; it almost felt like the city that was basking in the sunlight was _mocking _him.  
  
Usually the weeks between rallies were filled with different kinds of duties like test driving, adjusting the car and participating in various sponsor events. There wasn't much free time in the middle of a season, and Richard had always been grateful for that. But the occasional long breaks had always been the most difficult part for him, and it's been like that for as long as he can remember.  
  
From the very beginning of his career, driving had been like a drug for Richard. Being in the car and in the spotlight had always made him feel confident and like he's accomplishing something, like he's worth something. The adrenaline pumping in his veins when he's gripping the steering wheel, with everything else in the world fading except for the road ahead of him. The thrill of winning after a difficult race, the feeling he gets when he climbs to the highest podium and raises his hands in the air. The flags with Germany's colors that he sees waving in the air, the loud cheering of the crowds, the sound that means respect, acceptance, worthiness.  
  
But when the race is over, when the noises of the crowds have died down and his car has been taken away by the mechanics, all that Richard is left with is emptiness. A frightening, paralyzing emptiness that screames _you're not worth anything_.  
  
Like all drugs, this one as well had it's highest, most delirious peaks that made him feel like he was on top of the world. But the higher the peak, the deeper the fall. Richard had noticed that the thrill of winning would never stick with him, it wasn't permanent. The adrenaline he felt while driving, it didn't push away the restlesness in him when he was alone in his apartment. The cheering of the crowds was no help when he was lying wide awake in his bed at 4 in the morning, feelings of self-loathing consuming him.  
  
Flake had been right when he'd said that Richard needed driving more than he needed air. The truth was, he had no idea who he was without driving. That thought left an uncomfortable knot in his stomach, and that's why Richard tried his best to avoid thinking about it.  
  
It was now exactly one week from the party. A total of seven days since he'd seen Paul, or even heard from him. That was another thing Richard had been trying not to think about.  
  
Of course he'd failed. Richard had spent the first few days after the party in a mixture of panic and confusion. Even though he'd clearly been drunk enough to let go of his caution, he hadn't been drunk enough to not remember it, and Richard wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not. The reasons for everything that had happened were still beyond his understanding, but Richard was aware that somewhere along the evening he'd given up on his prejudices towards Paul. Honestly, he was happy about that because trying to stay enemies with Paul had been quite exhausting.  
  
It was the events on the dancefloor that Richard was struggling to comprehend. Despite his intoxicated state, he remembered quite clearly how closely him and Paul had been dancing. Hell, there hadn't been much dancing; he'd basically grinded against his teammate. The worst thing was that Richard could remember everything in vivid details, and those details had been haunting him for a week now.  
  
He remembered how Paul had looked at him, his face only a few centimetres from his own, pupils wide and biting his lip.  
  
How Paul's eyes had fluttered half closed and his mouth had slightly opened when Richard had pulled him close.  
  
How Paul's hands had gripped his waist so hard it could leave bruises.  
  
Richard didn't want to remember those things but god, he did and judging by what was happening inside his pants, his body had been quite enjoying it. However, he just forced the feeling to go away because he wasn't planning on doing anything about it.  
  
_There's no way I'm jerking off to the thought of my teammate._

Although he was ashamed to admit it, Till might have had a point when he'd said that Richard needed to get laid. It had been forever since the last time he'd had sex and his body was surely just reacting this way because of that. _Yup, that must be it.  
  
_Despite all his reasoning, there was still an annoying, restless feeling in Richard's mind when he realised that he hadn't heard anything from Paul since the party. He didn't know what to expect though. It was safe to assume that their relationship was changed now, but were they friends? Or was Paul freaking out about the dancefloor incident as well? Richard had even considered reaching out to Paul, perhaps sending him a text but in the end he'd always chickened out.  
  
Richard had nothing to distract his thoughts, nothing to do except mope around in his apartment, waiting for the break to be over, and he absolutely hated it.  
  
So when his phone rang on the tenth day with Flake's name on the screen, Richard grabbed it like his life had depended on it.  
  
"Guess what!" he heard Flake's enthusiastic voice as soon as he'd taken the call.  
  
"Go on", Richard urged his friend to continue. He was truly hoping that whatever Flake was about to tell him, would be something that could distract him from his agonizing thoughts.  
  
"How would you feel about playing a gig on friday? There's this one club that has an open stage on friday, and a friend of mine knows the owner and they promised to give us a slot!" Flake sounded almost like he was jumping up and down from excitement.  
  
Richard didn't know what to say - they had occasionally talked about playing together again, but his mind had been so occupied with everything else lately that he hadn't really thought about music. He couldn't even remember the last time he'd touched his guitar. It must have been before the season had started.  
  
"I think it would be good for us both, a good distraction from... well, everything", Flake continued, sounding more cautious this time. "And I know that you've never been the biggest fan of these long breaks, so it would give you something else to think about".  
  
_Fuck, I really don't deserve a friend like this.  
  
_"Okay, let's do it, it will be fun", Richard said with a smile. Maybe his friend had a point.  
  
"By the way, Schneider is coming as well - remember when I told you that he plays drums? I thought it would be fun to try playing with him. And he's invited Oliver to see the gig, they're apparently good friends now", Flake paused for a while, and Richard knew damn well where this was all going.  
  
"So, I was thinking that maybe you should invite Paul? I know you want to", Flake suggested and Richard could almost hear him wiggling his eyebrows.  
  
"Does it have to be me? We're all friends with him", Richard sighed.  
  
"Well, the rest of us weren't grinding against him at the party", Flake reminded.  
  
"Hey! I didn't... do _that_", Richard grunted. "I hate you, so I'm hanging up now". And with that, he ended the call and threw his phone on the couch.  
  
After a few hours of restlessly pacing around his apartment and throwing angry glances at his phone, Richard finally admitted his defeat and started typing a new message.  
  
_Hi, it's Richard. My band is playing a gig on friday, and _<strike>_Flake insisted_</strike> _I was thinking that maybe you'd like to come and see __it. _<strike>_It would mean a lot to me._</strike>_ So, let me know if you're interested and I'll text you the details._  
  
Trying to ignore his shaking hands, Richard took a deep breath and hit "send". He was immediately filled with an urge to hide his phone under the pillows for the rest of the day, because he sure as hell wasn't going to be waiting around for Paul to reply.  
  
Damn you, Flake.

  
****

  
Richard was standing in front of his bathroom mirror at the brink of a nervous breakdown. He had his fingers smeared in gel, desperately trying to style his stubborn, thick hair. During the rally season he never had to worry about such things because he was always wearing either a helmet or a cap in his head.  
  
Finally he managed to get the slightly dishevelled and spiky look he'd been aiming for. Richard then took a good look at his appearance in the mirror; he'd ended up choosing tight black jeans and even added a couple of studded belts to go with. At first he'd been tempted to wear one of his flashy button-ups, but then he'd remembered what Flake had once said about that shirt - "it looks like someone ate a fruit salad and then vomited all over that shirt" - so he'd decided to go with a black sleeveless top instead. Besides, Richard did like showing off his arms every now and then, even though he noticed he'd lost some of the muscle since recovering from the accident.  
  
He took a closer look at his face, and felt like something was still missing, the final touch. Richard then remembered the black eyeliner he'd bought for their previous show almost a year ago. _Should I? Or is it going to be too much? _He grabbed the eyeliner from the drawer and contemplated for a while. _Fuck it, _Richard thought and begun smudging the black pencil around his eyes. When he was finally done, he took one last look in the mirror and hurried to grab his guitar case, since he was already almost late and he wasn't keen on hearing Flake's sarcastic comments about it.  
  
When Richard arrived to the club, it was already packed with people and the first band was on stage. He felt a nervous twitch in his stomach, and he wasn't sure if it was beacuse of the big crowd or something else entirely.  
  
”Was the eyeliner really worth being almost late?” Flake teased him and they greeted with a hug. ”But don't worry, you look hot”, he winked at Richard, who just rolled his eyes. That's when Richard noticed his friend's outfit.  
  
”Why are you dressed like a disco ball?” he laughed, marveling at Flake's jacket that was made of golden sequins.  
  
”Isn't this the coolest thing ever!”, Flake said enthusiastically and did a little twirl.  
  
Richard's laughter faded when he saw Paul making his way towards them. He was dressed casually; grey jeans paired with a long sleeve shirt, and his hair was covered with a black beanie. Richard didn't know why but the first adjective that popped into his head was _soft_, and suddenly he was filled with an overwhelming urge to hug the other man.  
  
”Hi”, Paul grinned as he stood in front of Richard. For a while they just kept eyeing at each other, and Richard became alarmingly conscious about his own appearance. Paul looked like he'd been frozen to the spot, his eyes were moving up and down Richard's body and then stopped to look at his face for a while. _God, was the eyeliner too much?_  
  
"You, umm... you look good”, Paul stuttered, ”I mean, you- nevermind”, he quickly moved his eyes to the ground and it looked as if he was blushing. Richard was about to say something back, because _you look fucking good as well, _but he seemed to have lost the ability to form words. They remained quiet for a while, making shy glances at each other every once in a while.  
  
It was Paul who finally spoke: ”So, what kind of music do you play?  
  
”Mostly rock and metal covers”, Richard explained. ”We have some songs of our own as well, but they're not that good..”  
  
”I'm sure that's not true”, Paul reassured with a smile. ”Do you write songs?”  
  
”Yeah, actually I've written some of the songs that we're playing tonight. But like I said, they're not really good so don't get your hopes up”. Richard had always felt slightly uncomfortable sharing his music with people. First of all, he never thought his songs were good enough, thanks to his perfectionist nature. Second, his lyrics tended to be very personal, and performing them in front of a crowd felt like letting them read his diary, if he had one.  
  
”Well, I'm excited to hear them anyway”, Paul smiled. ”I've never written any songs but I love to play guitar though..”  
  
”Yeah, I know”, Richard blurted, the words just slipped out of his mouth before his brain could catch up. _Fucking hell._

”How do you know that?” Paul asked, eyebrows raised.  
  
”I don't know, I must've heard it somewhere..” Richard mumbled, trying to look at anywhere else except Paul's eyes. The black-and-white image was alarmingly clear in his memory; Paul sitting casually on his bed with a guitar in his lap.  
  
”Richard Z. Kruspe, have you been stalking my instagram?” Paul teased him and a wide grin appeared on his face. Richard could feel the blush starting to spread on his cheeks.  
  
Luckily, Schneider came to his rescue before things had the chance to go any worse.  
  
”Guys! We need to go get ready, we're getting on stage in fifteen minutes”, he announced and started dragging Richard away.  
  
”I'll see you after the show!” Paul said, and damn if Richard didn't almost trip on his own feet.  
  
***

  
No matter how many times he'd been on stage, it always felt like the first time for Richard. He could feel the all too familiar shaking in his hands, his heart pounding and his mouth going dry. It was odd how he could do interviews on live television, or drive while his every move was being broadcasted to millions of people, and yet playing in front of a small crowd was making him sweat like this.  
  
He looked one more time at Flake, who gave Richard a reassuring nod; then Schneider started to count the beat to their first song. At first Richard was feeling a bit out of place, not really daring to move around on stage, and he imagined everyone in the audience to be looking at him and judging.  
  
When the first song was approaching it's end, Richard was slowly beginning to feel more at ease. When they'd hit the last chords and the crowd rewarded them with loud applauses, he finally had the courage to look at the audience. It didn't take long before he spotted Paul, who was looking straight at him with an impossibly wide smile on his face. That caused a strange, warm feeling to shoot through Richard's body.  
  
Flake's friend, who was their singer, then announced their next song – it was one of those that Richard had written. He felt a nervous twitch in his stomach, but tried to focus on strumming the chords to the fast and aggressive song. After the first chorus Richard had the courage to look at the crowd again, and immediately locked eyes with Paul. He looked back at his guitar for a while, and then back at Paul again – who seemed to be frozen at his place, looking at Richard intently, eyes following his every move. Having the other man's attention didn't make Richard feel uncomfortable – it felt exhilarating, and suddenly he was filled with a new kind of confidence. He begun playing more aggressively, moved around on the stage and even flirted with the audience a little.  
  
It was a similar feeling to how he felt on a perfect day of driving, when the car was almost responding to his every thought and he felt one with the car. Right now Richard felt like he was melting into the music, he managed to nail every single guitar solo and the audience was cheering loudly. Every now and then he intentionally caught Paul's gaze, and it was just a fuel to his fire.  
  
When the final chords of their last song had faded, the crowd bursted into loud applauses and at that moment, Richard felt as ecstatic as he did when he last won a rally.  
  
***  
  
After he'd taken his guitar to backstage, Richard made his way back to the club where Paul and Oli were sitting at a table. He quickly ordered a beer and then sat down next to Paul.  
  
”So, what did you guys think?” Richard asked nervously. He looked at Paul, hoping that he would say something but instead the other man was just staring back at him, looking a bit startled.  
  
”You were fantastic, seriously. And not just the covers, but your own songs as well. There's definitely lots of potential”, Oli beamed. He then gave Paul a sharp nudge with his elbow, and that seemed to recover the man from whatever trance he'd been on.  
  
”Oh, sorry – yeah, you were incredible. I'm gonna get myself anonther beer now”, he stuttered and then escaped to the bar before Richard and Oli could even react. _What was that all about? Was I really that bad? _Richard gave Oli a confused look, and he couldn't help but feel slightly disappointed.  
  
”Don't worry”, Oli suddenly said, and Richard was about to argue that _no, I'm not worrying, why would I be?_, but he realised that if Oli was anything like the other co-drivers he knew, he probably had some sixth sense as well.  
  
”He usually acts weird if he's confused about something. Trust me, I've known him for ages”, Oli explained and nodded at Paul's direction. ”But there's one thing I'm sure of”, he continued.  
  
”What?”  
  
”He was staring at you the entire time you were on stage”, Oli said with a laugh and Richard just couldn't stop the heat spreading across his face.  
  
That's when Paul returned from the bar with a beer in his hand. ”What's so funny?” he asked, eyeing at them curiously.  
  
”I was just telling Richard about that one time when I accidentally threw your good-luck underwear to the wash, and you were so mad that you didn't speak to me for a week”, Oli explained and winked at Richard.  
  
”So it's true that you don't wash them?”, Richard teased and now it was Paul's turn to blush. That's when Flake and Schneider walked up to them and sat down at the table.  
  
”That was the most fun I've had in ages!”, Flake announced. ”And Schneider here is an excellent drummer, even with such a little practice he managed to keep up with all our songs!”  
  
He turned his eyes to Richard then. ”So how do you feel? It was good to be playing again, wasn't it?”  
  
”Yeah, it was good”, Richard smiled. ”Although, I felt a bit rusty and I'm not sure if my guitar was completely on tune...”  
  
”None of that talk!”, Paul interrupted him. ”Your guitar sounded perfect, and so did your playing”, he assured.  
  
”You really think so?” Richard mumbled shyly, not quite believing what the other man had just said.  
  
”Absolutely. And you could go around asking everyone in the audience what they thought, and they would all say the same thing. You were incredible”, Paul said, looking Richard straight in the eyes with the most sincere look on his face and god, how badly Richard wanted to give him a hug.  
  
”I'm heading to the bar, Oli, are you coming along?” Schneider asked as he suddenly got up from the table.  
  
”I'm coming as well”, Flake announced. ”I'm starting to feel like a third wheel on a date here”.  
  
Richard took a large sip from his beer, trying to hide his embarrasment as their friends quickly fled to the bar. To his relief, Paul didn't seem to be affected by Flake's teasing.  
  
”Your songs were incredibly good, Richard. You're really talented”, he said, lips turning into a smile. Richard studied his face for a while, his gaze moving from the small wrinkles on the corners of Paul's eyes to the barely visible stubble on his cheeks. Strands of dark hair were peaking from under the soft beanie and the dim lights of the club were reflecting from the small rings Paul had in both his ears.  
  
”I'm glad to hear you liked them”, Richard replied after a while. ”I really do love making music and performing, sometimes I've even dreamt of making a career out of it. But it's just...” he paused, not quite sure what he wanted to say.  
  
”What is it?” Paul asked gently.  
  
Richard let out a heavy sigh before he continued: ”Sometimes I've been playing with this idea that...When I end my driving career, that I could start making more music and try to make something out of it. But honestly, I don't think that I'm good enough. People wouldn't care about my music, nobody cares about me if I'm not driving”.  
  
And there it was, out in the open. For a while Richard was a bit taken aback by his own unexpected honesty. He hadn't meant to be opening up to Paul like that, but something about the other man's presence was making him say things without filtering them.  
  
”You'll never know if you don't try”, Paul remarked. ”If you ask me, you've got all the talent for it”.  
  
Richard stared at his beer for a while, not daring to look at Paul because he just kept giving these compliments to Richard and he'd never been particularly good at receiving compliments from anyone. But still, something about Paul made it easy for Richard to be honest with him.  
  
”It's just.. I'm fucking terrified, okay?” Richard confessed with a shaky voice. ”My plan was to drive this season and then call it quits, but now that it's getting closer, I feel like if I stop driving, that's going to be it. I'm going to fall into this fucking dark void, and I will never make anything out of myself”.  
  
Richard didn't want to meet Paul's gaze, he realised that what he just said had been the most honest and raw thing he'd said in a long time. It felt like his whole being was now out in the open, vulnerable and waiting to be torn apart.  
  
It was as if Paul had sensed his agony, because he suddenly reached his hand and touched Richard's – it was gentle but firm at the same time, the way he stroked the back of Richard's hand with his thumb. Richard felt like his nerves were suddenly hyper-aware of the little movement across his skin; he couldn't even look away, he was staring at their joined hands, like the moving of Paul's thumb had him hypnotized.  
  
”You've won two world championships and you're worried that you'll never make anything out of yourself?” Paul spoke after a while, but didn't let go of Richard's hand.  
  
”Sounds pathetic, I know”, Richard sighed. Suddenly he felt like the situation was getting too intimate considering that they were at a bar, so he withdrew his hand.  
  
”No, that's not pathetic”, Paul was quick to correct. ”I'm scared all the time, you know? In this career nothing's ever certain, you might be winning one season and the next you could be struggling to get a contract. I consider myself the luckiest driver in the world to get picked up by Till, but who knows if it's going to last”, Paul confessed.  
  
Richard had been so wrapped up in his own insecurities, that he hadn't even considered that perhaps Paul might be scared as well. He lifted his gaze and met Paul's eyes; the look on his teammate's face was hard to read, it was almost as if there was a hint of frustration in his blue eyes.  
  
Before Richard could say anything, Paul took a deep breath and continued: ”I just wished that you could see yourself the way I see you”.  
  
And – _oh. _Richard was completely frozen in his place, his mind was blank and everything that surrounded him seemed to just fade into an insignificant blur.  
  
_Tell me? How do you see me? _Richard wanted to ask but he didn't, he wasn't even capable of forming words at that moment. He just kept staring at Paul, who looked back at him with a tentative smile. For a while Richard let his eyes explore the small wrinkles that always appeared on Paul's face when he smiled. From there, he let his gaze trail all the way down to Paul's lips. Richard felt a curiosity rising inside him; how would they feel? Would they be as soft as they looked? If he leaned his body a bit closer, tilted his head and just went for it – how would Paul react? Would he let his eyes flutter closed like he did that night on the dancefloor?  
  
_What the hell am I thinking about? _Paul was his teammate and his friend, for god's sake, and Richard shouldn't be thinking about kissing his friend because that's what he probably was to Paul as well, a _friend. _  
  
Paul must have noticed the sudden change in the atmosphere, because he looked at Richard with furrowed brows and asked: ”Is everything alright?”.  
  
”Yeah, everything's alright”, Richard tried to convince. ”I just realised that I need to get going, me and Schneider are doing some extra test drives tomorrow and it's already late so..” _Wow, you're such a bad liar. Nobody is stupid enough to believe that you're doing extra test drives on a saturday, you moron.  
  
_”Oh, okay”, Paul muttered, and Richard could hear a hint of disappointment in his voice and that made him feel even worse of himself. But the truth was, he needed to get home quickly before he did anything stupid and irreversible.  
  
”I need to go grab my guitar from the backstage”, Richard said as they'd stood up from the table. He was waiting for Paul to say something but he didn't; he just looked at Richard with an unreadable expression and Richard was feeling worse about himself by every passing second. He didn't actually _want _to go, he wanted to stay with Paul and talk to him about music and their careers and exchange funny stories about their co-drivers. But he couldn't.  
  
”So, I guess I'll see you in two weeks then”, Paul said bluntly, and since there was no arguments from Richard, he turned around and started walking towards the bar.  
  
”Wait”, Richard blurted. _Please don't go yet. _That's what he wanted to say, that's what his whole body was screaming.  
  
Paul turned around and gave him a confused look, but before he could say anything, Richard had taken a few steps, closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around Paul in a hug. For a short moment Paul was too shocked to do anything, but he recovered quickly and let himself sink into the hug. Richard felt like his whole body was responding to how the other man felt against his body, his heart was beating so fast that he was afraid that Paul was going to notice.  
  
”I'm happy that you came”, Richard mumbled, his lips almost touching the soft skin on Paul's neck.  
  
That's when Paul withdrew himself from the hug, but he still remained close to Richard.  
  
”You know, when you said that you're afraid that nobody will be interested in you unless you're driving”, Paul started, and gave Richard a warm smile before continuing. ”Well, did you see the crowd's reaction to your gig? I don't think anyone here knows about your driving. They were cheering for your music, Richard, only for your music”, Paul concluded and his eyes were beaming.  
  
Paul then leaned towards Richard, put a hand on his shoulder and _was he going to hug me again __or what is happening?_ \- planted a small kiss on his cheek.  
  
”So, just something for you to think about, I guess..” he smiled mischeviously and then he was gone, heading towards the bar where Flake, Schneider and Oli still were.  
  
Richard stood there for a long time, heart racing and feeling more confused than ever. After recovering from his shock, he made his way to backstage to fetch his guitar, and so what, if he accidentally bumped into a few tables on his way there.  
  
***  
  
  
The last two weeks of the break went by in a mixture of panic, confusion, anticipation and finally – hope. After the evening of their band's performance, Richard had spent the first few days going absolutely crazy in his apartment, analyzing every detail of the night over and over again. Finally, and after a few therapeutic conversations with Flake, he'd decided to let things be, and just be happy about his friendship with Paul.  
  
Richard was eager for the second half of the season to begin – and it finally did, at the end of July when it was time for Rally Finland to kick off. It had always been one of the most challenging competitions in the whole series, and everyone, Richard included, were excited to be battling in the world's fastest gravel roads.  
  
So that's where Richard was now – in his hotel room near the service park, waiting for Schneider to come and fetch him. The first stage of the rally would start in just a few hours and Richard could already feel the nervousness gathering in his stomach.  
  
Usually it was Richard who kept everyone waiting but this time it was Schneider who was running late, so Richard was just lounging in his hotel room, waiting for his co-driver. He grabbed his phone from his pocket and was surprised to see that it was flooding with twitter notifications. Richard couldn't help his curiosity, so he opened his twitter and saw that almost all of the notifications were about the same video. It was an interview with Paul, so he clicked it open, wondering what Paul had to say about him this time.  
  
_Paul Landers gives us the latest scoop on his teammate__. _The headline itself didn't have Richard worried, it was no different than any other headline he'd seen on the media that season. He kept looking at the video anyway. At first it was just Paul talking about his season so far, and what his goals are for the second half. One minute into the video, they changed the subject.  
  
”_Ever since Kruspe made his return to the WRC, rumors have been circling around that he hasn't mentally recovered from the accident. __So, is it true what they say about your teammate's mental state?”__  
  
”__Well, __Richard is not the driver he used to be before the accident – he's just __too __unstable and difficult to work with”.  
  
”__So are you saying that TL Motorsport should reconsider his position on the team?”  
  
”It's not really my place to say anything, but yeah, it might be time for some changes.”___  
  
A shock. A paralyzing, overwhelming shock that took over Richard's entire body.  
  
He threw his phone away, not even caring about where it landed. He felt like his heart was about to come out of his chest, he couldn't breathe and the ground felt like it was disappearing from under his feet.  
  
If that had been an article, he would've believed that the reporters had made those things up. But it was a video; he could see clearly how those words came out of Paul's mouth, it was his voice that was saying those things about him, it was his mouth that was moving.  
  
Richard's vision was getting darker, like he was close to fainting, so he quickly sat down on his bed and tried to breathe. Tears were starting to gather in his eyes. Richard felt betrayed, he'd opened up to Paul and he'd believed the man when he had promised that he would never use those things against him.  
  
Richard felt a violent twist in his stomach, so he ran to the bathroom just in time. He emptied his stomach to the toilet and tears were stinging in his eyes; just like the betrayal was stinging in his chest, ripping him into pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about the ending! But it had to be done for the sake of the plot. Just wait for the next chapter, that's all I'm saying :)
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this! I'll try to get the next one out as soon as possible.
> 
> My Tumblr is hennakaroliinan, if anyone wants to chat^^


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is where things finally kind of explode.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was honestly so challenging to write, mostly because I've never written stuff like this. And I've never been this nervous about posting a chapter before, so I really hope you enjoy this!

”Are you going to tell me what's wrong?”  
  
Schneider gave Richard a worried look as they were making their way from the hotel to service park, where their car was ready for the evening's action.  
  
”It's nothing, I'm fine”, Richard grunted, refusing to meet his co-driver's gaze. What he said couldn't have been further away from the truth; his body was still feeling weak from vomiting earlier and he felt a bit dizzy, like he had to concentrate on every step he took.  
  
That's what Richard had been doing ever since watching the interview – concentrating on every small task, doing everything mechanically. _Flush the toilet, wash your mouth and wipe off the sweat __from__ your face. Now zip up your driving suit and put on your shoes. Remember to grab your __room__ key so that Schneider won't get the chance to tease you about forgetting it. Meet Schneider in the hallway, smile and look normal. Just walk, take one step, then another, then another again. That's it, you can do this.  
  
_That was the only way Richard could keep himself together. If he let himself think about that video and Paul's words for even a second, his composure would crumble to pieces and god knows if he would even be able to drive.  
  
Schneider however wasn't having any of it. ”No, you're not fine. You're as pale as a ghost and your hands are shaking”, he noted, sounding worried. ”Are you sick? Because if you're not in the shape to be driving tonight, you need to tell me now”.  
  
”I'm perfectly capable of driving and no, I'm not sick. Stop patronizing me for christ's sake!” Richard snapped and sped up his pace. He wanted to get to the car as soon as possible and begin the preparations for the first stage. The last thing he needed right now was his co-driver acting like a mother hen around him.  
  
”Then stop being so goddamn stubborn!” it was Schneider's turn to snap. ”It's my job to make sure that we're ready for tonight's stage, that's what I get paid for. So whatever's happened with Paul, I'm not going to let that ruin this rally for us”.  
  
”Who said anything about-”  
  
”Stop with the act, you know that I have a sixth sense in these things, you've said it yourself”, Schneider pointed out. ”I've been working with you for seven months now and I've never seen anything get under your skin as badly as Paul”.  
  
There was that name again, _Paul. _The name that Richard didn't want to hear right now, not now when he was trying his best to keep his emotions under control. But it was a terrifyingly thin line between control and panic; even the smallest word or action could push him over the edge. Richard knew that he needed to rely on Schneider to get through the evening, so he couldn't afford to start arguing with his co-driver.  
  
”Fine”, he admitted. ”But it's nothing for you to worry about”.  
  
”You have to promise me that when we get in the car, there's going to be nothing on your mind except this rally. We can't repeat what happened in Sardinia”, Schneider said seriously.  
  
Just hearing the word ”Sardinia” brought back the feelings of failure and humiliation, that Richard had tried his best to bury. Sardinia was a bitter reminder of the side of him that Richard wanted to forget about; the side that was easily provoked and affected by feelings, the side that was unprofessional and selfish.  
  
”Look at me”, Schneider insisted and grabbed Richard by his shoulder, forcing him to stop and face him. ”Can you promise me that your only focus will be this rally?”  
  
”Yes, I promise. I need you to trust me”, Richard insured and looked his co-driver in the eyes, trying his best to convince him. Finally Schneider nodded, and they continued walking towards their car.  
  
_Take one step, and another, and another. Breathe in, breathe out. Focus on the rally, that's the only thing that matters now. Everything else can wait. Breathe._  
  
***  
  
  
By some miracle, Richard managed to keep himself composed all the way to the starting point of the first stage. The route was circling in the centre of the city and there were masses of people everywhere with flags in the air, waiting for their favourite drivers. There wouldn't be any other stages that evening apart from the first one; the rest of the rally would continue on the next day.  
  
Seeing the amount of people gathered in the streets didn't make Richard nervous, but it did the complete opposite; it spurred him on, made him want to give his best. So that's the thought that Richard kept his focus on, that was his lifeline when he pressed his foot on the gas pedal as the countdown reached zero. From that moment on everything else was chased away from Richard's mind, the only things that existed for him were the road ahead of him and Schneider's steady voice, reading the pacenotes in a tight rhythm.  
  
”Kruspe! Great job, just fantastic”, Till grabbed Richard into an almost violent hug as soon as he'd driven his car to the pit and stepped inside the team's building. He'd ended up driving the fastest time on that stage, so it was the best possible start for the rally.  
  
”Look, I did some soul searching during the break and came to the conclusion that I was a bit harsh on you after Sardinia”, Till said with a serious face. ”But I just want you to know that you have the team's full support, okay?”  
  
”Thank you, that means a lot to me”, Richard smiled.  
  
”Did you see the amount of people out there?” Till exclaimed with extensive hand gestures. ”These Finns really are crazy about rally, I've been asked for a selfie at least five times today!”  
  
Richard's laughter died when he saw Paul coming in through the doors and walking towards the dressing room. _Just breathe now, in and out, in and out, you've come so far so don't you dare to give up now. _Richard saw Paul slow down for a moment, letting his eyes wander across the room until they landed on Richard's. Paul gave him a quick smile and then proceeded to the dressing room. _Fuck. Fucking fucking fuck. He has no idea that I know, does he?  
  
_In that moment, the anger and feeling of betrayal, everything that had been bubbling inside of him suddenly came to surface and exploded into full force, there was no escaping from it anymore. Richard had managed to keep himself composed for hours, but now that the driving part was done, there was nothing for him to focus on. The thin line between control and panic was now non-existent and all it took was one look from Paul, and Richard was pushed over the edge.  
  
His steps were full of anger and frustration as he approached the dressing room.  
  
”Hey there”, Paul's face immediately lit up when he saw Richard entering the room. ”That was some amazing driving from you”.  
  
The door closed with a loud bang and Richard was staring at Paul, his whole being shaking with anger. ”How could you?”  
  
”What?” Paul looked at him, blinking.  
  
”I SAID HOW COULD YOU?” Richard shouted so loud that it made Paul flinch.  
  
”Richard, what the hell are you talking about?”  
  
”Don't you dare pretend that you don't know!” Richard grabbed his phone and clicked on the video. The sound of Paul's voice soon filled the otherwise quiet room.  
  
”_Richard is not the driver he used to be before the accident, he's just __too __unstable and difficult to work with. __It__ might be time for some changes.”  
  
_After that there was a heavy silence. Richard could almost hear his own heart pounding violently, and Paul was looking at him eyes wide and his mouth hanging open._  
  
_”I'm- Richard, fuck I'm so sorry, I thought you'd never have to see that”, his voice trembled.  
  
”So you say those things about me to the media and think that I will never see it? Are you fucking insane?” Richard snapped.  
  
”Richard, please let me explain-”  
  
”Stop saying my name for fuck's sake!” Richard yelled, and he felt the tears starting to gather in his eyes again. He closed them for a short while, willing the tears to go away. ”And please, do explain, I'm dying to hear what you have to say for yourself”.  
  
”That's an old interview”, Paul begun with a shaking voice. ”It was after Sardinia, you had just yelled at me and told me to stay out of your way, I was so angry and then they asked me about you and I said those things in the heat of a moment, I've regretted it ever since.”  
  
Richard finally had the courage to look Paul in the eyes and he noticed that they were glistening with tears. However, he was far from being convinced.  
  
”I'm supposed to believe that? Why didn't they release the video right away?” he demanded.  
  
”How would I know, maybe they wanted to wait for a better time, the break was starting and people weren't so interested anymore.. Hell, I don't know!” Paul's voice was filled with desparation and there was a tear making it's way down his cheek, leaving a wet trail.  
  
”Even if that was true, you still betrayed my trust. You saw me at my weakest and you used it against me.” It was only when the words left his mouth, that Richard begun to fully understand the depth of Paul's betrayal. Earlier he'd been so consumed by the shock that he'd pushed all other feelings aside, but now they all came rushing back and he was starting to feel sick again. His mind wandered back to that one evening when they'd been sitting on the couch, when he'd opened up to Paul about his weakness.  
  
”I'm fucking sorry, okay! I don't know what else to say”, Paul sobbed, his voice breaking.  
  
Richard didn't know what to do, his mind was clouded with anger and desparation and sadness, and he wanted Paul to know how badly he'd hurt him. He closed the distance between them, took one step after another until he was standing right in front of Paul, with only few inches left between them.  
  
”I trusted you!” Richard's voice trembled on the last syllable. ”Fuck, I even started to -”  
  
”What?” Paul quickly asked when he noticed that Richard wasn't continuing.  
  
Richard's stomach dropped when he realised what he'd almost said. _Fuck, no no no this can't be happening. _But the truth was there, right in front of him and at the tip of his tongue, no matter how stubbornly he tried to deny it. The reason for all his odd behavior, the reason for why Paul always seemed to get under his skin and the reason why his words in the interview had hurt Richard so badly.  
  
He felt Paul's breath hit his face and that's when Richard realised how close they were standing. It was almost like that night on the dancefloor, except that now Richard wasn't drunk on alcohol, this time his mind was foggy with anger but there was also something else – something that felt terrifying but also exhilarating. He saw Paul's chest rise and fall rapidly; he only had his undershirt on as his driving suit was tied around his waist. Richard could see clearly the wet trails on Paul's cheeks, and as he lifted his gaze he was met with eyes that were a bit red and glossy but so, so beautiful that Richard almost forgot how to breathe.  
  
_What the fuck is happening to me?  
  
_He was torn between two emotions; the betrayal was still stinging in his chest like a freshly cut wound and he wanted to shout at Paul, make him realise how badly he'd hurt him. But another part of Richard wanted to kiss him senseless, to know what he tasted like and kiss away the salty wet trails on his cheeks.  
  
_No__t now, fuck, just no,_ Richard backed away from Paul, he needed some distance to get his mind to work again. _Just focus on breathing, in and out, in and out. _After a while some of the fogginess in his mind slowly faded away and he was able to think more clearly again.  
  
Richard cleared his throat and looked Paul in the eyes.  
”Remember how you said to me that you would never use those things against me?”  
  
”I meant it, and I still mean it”, Paul insured, his voice still trembling.  
  
”How could I ever know that for sure?” Richard noticed that his own voice was shaking as well, the intensity of the situation was taking it's toll on him. He felt tired, exhausted even, and all this was getting too heavy for him to process.  
  
”We're done”, Richard said, not necessarily because he wanted to but because it was the only option he felt he had. ”And maybe it's best if we don't even speak for a while now”.  
  
With that, he turned around because he couldn't stand seeing the broken look on Paul's face. That would make everything so much harder, and Richard needed to escape the situation now before he would fall apart. He walked towards the door, reached out his hand to grab the handle -  
  
Paul rushed after him and before Richard could even comprehend what was happening, he was being pushed against the door, trapped firmly between the solid material and Paul's body. He was even more shocked when Paul grabbed both his hands and guided them against the door above Richard's head.  
  
”You know what”, Paul spoke in a frustrated voice, ”You acted like an asshole and treated me like shit for months, and I can't make one small mistake?”  
  
”Don't you dare blame me for this”, Richard managed to grunt, he was having trouble concentrating on anything else than the warm body pressed against his back. ”And it's all your fault anyway!”  
  
”What exactly is my fault?” Paul whispered, his mouth close to Richards ear. That sent a wave of goosepumps all over his body, and Richard had no choice but to wait and see what Paul was about to do, he was completely at the other man's mercy.  
  
”Everything!” he shouted desperately. ”You drive me crazy, I can't even think straight when I'm in the same room with you!” Richard knew that he'd revealed too much, he'd stepped over some unspoken line and there was no turning back anymore.  
  
”And why is that?” Paul muttered into his ear, his voice low and thick with something that Richard couldn't yet point out. ”Tell me”, he took his hand from where it had gripped Richards wrists and brought it down and to Richard's stomach, and pulled their bodies even closer together. Richard could feel Paul everywhere, his hot breathing on his neck, the warmth of his body against his back and _against his ass _and the way his hand was resting on his lower stomach.  
  
”Why am I driving you crazy?” Paul asked one more time, his voice completely broken and that sent a rush of arousal down Richard's spine; he was unable to stop the breathy sigh that escaped his mouth.  
  
Richard felt Paul tighten his grip on his stomach, and he buried his face in the crook of Richard's neck, like he was breathing in his scent. Richard was completely dizzy from this, so overwhelmed and Richard wanted nothing more than to squirm back against him, make Paul touch him properly. He craved for it, he was so fucking needy for his touch and he didn't know whether to laugh or cry from the intensity of his arousal. Nothing else existed in the world at that moment except for him and Paul, the sounds of their heavy breathing and _oh fuck _Paul's lips touched the sensitive skin on his neck -  
  
Richard couldn't help but arch his back, he needed something _more _and his ass grinded against Paul, and he heard a broken moan excape from Paul's mouth. His nervous system reacted immediately to the sound, his whole body was on fire and he felt breathless, trembling under Paul's touch.  
  
That's when someone banged the door loudly, and Richard's heart almost jumped out of his chest.  
  
”Guys, are you still in there? We have a press event starting right about now!” Schneider's voice yelled through the door.  
  
Richard's whole body was shaking, both from arousal and utter panic. He felt Paul withdraw his hand from his stomach, but he didn't step back right away, but instead he whispered lowly to Richard's ear:  
  
”We are not done”, and with that, he gently guided Richard away from blocking the door, and before Richard could even blink, he'd already walked out.  
  
***  
  
The press event was certainly one of the most excruciating moments of Richard's life. It had taken him almost five minutes to calm himself down enough to be able to attend the event in the first place, and because of that, he'd almost been late. Rushing into an auditorium full of people and feeling everyone's, including Paul's, eyes on him was something he'd preferred to avoid.  
  
Answering the reporter's questions proved to be a difficult task, especially because Paul kept glancing in his direction every now and then. He even did it once when Richard was just in the middle of answering a question, and that of course resulted in him blanking out mid-sentence.  
  
”So Richard, it's always been known that Finnish drivers often tend to be unbeatable in their home roads. How do you plan to beat them this time?”  
  
”Well, I've always loved driving on these roads, they're challenging with all the jumps but I also think that some challenge always brings out the best in me, so -” Richard saw from the corner of his eye that Paul turned to look at him, he could actually feel his eyes on him. For a short moment he forgot what he was doing and he glanced at the other man, who had the audacity to smirk at him. _Fuck, what was i saying? _”Umm- so I'll just try to give my best this weekend and we'll see how far that takes me”, Richard concluded, feeling the heat on his cheeks.  
  
_Is Paul even affected by any of this? He doesn't look like he is, _Richard kept thinking. He was still absolutely clueless about what exactly had happened in the dressing room between them. His own reaction had come as a total shock for him at first, and he'd tried to brush it off by thinking that his body was just reacting this way because he hadn't had any sexual activities in ages. But after a while Richard had begun to understand that this, whatever he was feeling, had been there for some time already. He didn't have a name for that feeling yet, it was still way too early for that.  
  
The more Richard thought about it, the more he realised that what he was feeling shouldn't have come as a surprise. _After all, Paul is an amazing driver, and on top of that he's funny and gorgeous as hell.  
  
_He was painfully reminded of the latter when he was having breakfast in their team's dining room with Schneider, Oli and Paul on the next morning. Richard was sitting opposite of Paul, and that made the whole breakfast a torment because he had to watch the other man smiling, laughing and making jokes with their co-drivers.  
  
And to make things even worse, there were pancakes on the breakfast menu that morning. Of course it was too much to ask that Paul would just eat his pancakes and let Richard go on with his day. But no, of course Paul had to smear his finger with whipped cream – Richard was convinced he did it on purpose – and lick his finger clean while looking straight into Richard's eyes. He'd even hollowed his cheeks, for god's sake. Richard had shifted uncomfortably on his seat, hoping that Schneider or Oli wouldn't notice his distress.

As friday was drawing to a close, Richard had secured himself a solid first position in the rally. He didn't really understand how, but it seemed like he'd managed to channel all his frustration into driving, and he'd been driving fastest times almost on every stage. However, when the evening came and it was time to drive the car back to service, restlessness started to take control over Richard's mind again.  
  
_Could it be that Paul is just playing with me? _he kept thinking. When Richard thought about what had happened in the dressing room, he was sure that Paul had reacted just as strongly as he had. He could still remember clearly – fuck, he could still _feel _Paul's heavy breathing on his neck, how he'd kept pulling Richard closer to his body and how broken his voice had sounded. _I can't have imagined all that, can I?  
  
_What was bothering him however, was how Paul had been joking around all day, smiling and throwing glances at Richard every chance he got. He'd looked like he wasn't at all affected by any of this. But then Richard remembered something that Paul had once told him when he'd accused him of acting so careless. ”_Have you ever thought that maybe that's my shield?”. _So perhaps this was it, perhaps this was Paul's way of dealing with everything. Maybe he was just as confused as Richard.  
  
***  
  
  
”And the next day when we got into the car, we had to get out immediately because the smell was so fucking horrible! It was like someone had died in there”, Paul explained with a disgusted expression. It was friday evening, all the official engagements were over and they were all spending time on the team's lounge area in the service park. Paul and Oli were just in the middle of telling a story about a prank that their former teammates had once pulled during test drives.  
  
”Yeah, and it took us ages before we realised to look under the seat and that's where we found that goddamn fish”, Oli continued the story. ”We had to keep the doors open while we drove to the test route, trying to get the smell out, and we kept doing it after every run”.  
  
”The smell was so horrible that I had tears in my eyes when I was driving”, Paul recalled. ”But still, the worst part was that when the day was finally over, Oli was feeling so sick that he barely managed to get his helmet off before throwing up all over his pacenotes!” Everybody was almost choking on laughter, except for Oli, who looked visibly disgusted by the memory.  
  
”I once did this prank when I was younger, that I...” Richard was having a hard time concentrating on what Schneider was telling them, because he saw that once again Paul was glancing at him from the opposite couch.  
  
_Fine, let's do it your way then. _Richard adjusted himself so that he was sitting more comfortably on the couch, and begun staring at Paul shamelessly. He kept eyeing him from head to toe; from his black jeans and sneakers all the way up to his hair that was slightly messy from being covered by helmet all day. He noticed how Paul's eyes lit up every time someone said something funny; how he burst out a laugh that was so catchy that it made Richard smile as well, even though he had no clue what they were laughing at.  
  
Paul's gaze shifted to Richard again, and this time Richard didn't move his eyes away. He kept staring at Paul intently, almost like challenging him in some way. And for some reason, maybe because he was stupid or maybe he was just bold – Richard bit his lip. It was a quick and small gesture, nobody else noticed it but Paul most definitely did, because his mouth opened slightly and he pressed his eyes closed for a few seconds.  
  
”I'm gonna go to the toilet real quick”, Richard suddenly announced and got up from the couch. Schneider and Oli continued exchanging stories about all the pranks they'd done, but Richard felt Paul's eyes on his back as he walked to the hallway that was leading to the toilets.  
  
He didn't actually need to use the toilet, he only needed an excuse to get out of the situation for a while. Richard tried hard to figure out what his next move would be, because there was no way in hell that he could keep going on like this. He _had to _know what was going on between him and Paul, but he was too much of a coward to confront him.  
  
It turned out that Richard didn't need any plan at all, because as he exited the toilet, Paul was standing in the hallway, looking at him impatiently.  
  
"Paul, what are you-" he was about to say but was interrupted as Paul suddenly rushed towards him.  
  
"I can't do this anymore, I just can't", Paul stuttered, his face was a mixture of confusion and frustration and Richard had no idea what was happening.  
  
"Can't do what?" he asked, and Paul took the last remaining steps until he was standing right in front of Richard, so close that he could feel the warmth radiating from the other man. Richard felt Paul's hand come up to his arm, moving to his bicep and over his shoulder, brushing gently the sensitive skin on his neck. The gesture caused Richard's heart to skip a few beats, and a warm feeling started pooling in his stomach. The air felt thick with anticipation.  
  
"Be around you without touching you."  
  
Richard's breath hitched at Paul's words, because fuck, all this time he'd been afraid that what if he was reading this all wrong, what if he was just making a fool out of himself but the words were there, a solid proof that Paul wanted this as much as he did, and there was nothing holding Richard back anymore.  
  
"Then touch me already", his voice came out shaky and desparate but that's what he was - craving for Paul's touch so badly that Richard felt like he would simply cease to exist if he didn't get Paul's hands on his body immediately.  
  
Paul's hand was still on Richard's neck as he leaned closer, his gaze shifting between Richard's eyes and his lips. Soon his face was only a few centimetres away from Richard's – he stopped there like he was still asking for a permission, and Richard tilted his head slightly as an invitation – _please just kiss me already – _and Paul's lips were on his.  
  
At first it was delicate and almost shy, Paul's lips were just brushing lightly over Richard's, but that alone was enough to make Richard's head spin – he was afraid he would pass out soon. He couldn't believe it was actually happening, he was kissing Paul, _Paul was kissing him. _The realisation hit him hard, and he put his hand on Paul's neck, deepening the kiss and that's when Paul opened his mouth a bit more and suddenly all the delicacy and shyness was gone.  
  
Paul was kissing him with so much desparation and Richard was getting dizzy from all of it – from Paul's scent, from his taste, from the delicious press of his body against Richard's. It was all rushing over him like a tidal wave, he was drowning in it and if this was going to be the end of him, it was the most beautiful and satisfying way to die.  
  
Richard tilted his head a bit and planted small kisses on Paul's neck, over his tattoo and behind his earlobe. Paul had the faintest smell of motor oil on him – a thing that Richard could've never thought would turn him on so much. Paul's hand moved from Richard's neck all the way down until it landed on his ass, and that caused Richard's hips to snap forwards almost involuntarily.  
  
It was like some switch had flipped inside Paul's head because he backed Richard up against the wall almost violently, not breaking the kiss even for a second. It was rough and fast and so, so desparate and Paul's thigh ended up pressing between Richard's legs and if there had been any restraint left in his mind, it was all gone now. Richard tried to grab Paul everywhere he could, tried to pull him even closer because he needed _more, _and _oh my fucking god _Paul was now moving his hips against Richard's, the slow, torturous movement sending electric shocks across his body.  
  
And the sounds Paul was making – god, every time he ground his hips against Richard's, a small whimper escaped his mouth and Richard could swear that he'd never heard anything hotter. His other hand was on Paul's back and the other was holding his hips, encouraging him to move even harder against him. Richard tried his best to match Paul's movements, he'd never been so desparate in his entire life and he wanted to cry, fuck he was going to cry if he didn't get some release soon. Their touches were getting erratic and desparate and _fucking hell, _Richard was starting to feel like he could come just from this.  
  
Richard was only seconds away from telling Paul to take him to some empty room and fuck him, but suddenly Paul's lips weren't on his anymore and instead he buried his face on Richard's shoulder.  
  
”Wait – Richard, we need to stop”, Paul muttered into his shoulder, sounding like he was in pain. ”I can't, not like this”. He still remained close to Richard, hands gripping his waist tightly.  
  
”What do you mean?” Richard's voice came out all desparate and broken. _Is he starting to regret this already?_  
  
”This is – you're too important, I want to do this properly”, Paul said, lifting his head from Richard's shoulder and meeting his gaze. ”I don't even know if you're still angry with me”  
  
And that – holy shit, Richard felt like he was going to pass out again but for a completely different reason than earlier. _You're too important._ His heart was racing like hell and he felt a strange twist in his stomach – the lust was still there, but now it was accompanied by something else. Was he nervous?  
  
Richard let out a shaky breath and took a hold of Paul's hand, lacing their fingers together. ”I want to do this properly as well”.  
  
Paul smiled at him, his eyes beaming. ”What do you say if we wait? Just until this rally is over?”  
  
Two days. Two complete days without touching Paul or kissing him – it sounded like a long time now that Richard knew what he tasted like and how his touch burned his skin. But Paul did have a point; they should talk, sort out their misunderstandings before rushing into anything.  
  
”I'd say that right now sunday feels like an eternity away but fuck, okay” Richard agreed, giving Paul's hand a light squeeze.  
  
Paul brought his other hand up, cupping Richard's cheek softly and he leaned in for one more kiss. The hunger and desparation were still bubbling under the surface, but the kiss was different this time – it almost felt like a promise of something.  
  
  
***  
  
”And now, let's hear the national anthem for the winning driver!”  
  
Richard couldn't believe he'd won. Something had changed inside him after friday evening, and he'd found a whole new level of confidence for his driving. He'd enjoyed every kilometre he'd driven, every single jump and every fast corner, and now he was on the highest podium, celebrating with Schneider.  
  
As the national anthem of Germany started playing, Richard couldn't help but glance to where the rest of the drivers were standing, searching for a pair of blue eyes.  
  
Those same eyes were immediately on him when the whole team was gathered into their lounge area in the service park, raising glasses of champagne to celebrate the good result. Paul had driven to fourth place, which also meant good points for the team championship.  
  
”Alright, we're having a party right now, in here”, Till announced after he'd finished his celebratory speech.  
  
”Why don't we just go to a bar?” Schneider asked.  
  
”We can't just waltz into a bar in here, these Finns are so nuts about rally that we wouldn't get one moment of peace”, Till explained and rolled his eyes.  
  
It didn't take long before they had a proper party going on in the team's lounge room. Richard had quickly showered and changed from his driving gear into something more comfortable, and in that time Till had already managed to order drinks and food for the whole team.  
  
Richard however was having a hard time concentrating on the party, and his eyes kept searching for a certain someone in the room full of people. He had barely spoken to Paul after friday evening; it had been the only way they both could focus on driving. But despite of the lack of communication, they hadn't been ignoring each other completely. Richard had exchanged countless of meaningful gazes with his teammate; ones that usually had ended with Paul smiling at him and Richard feeling like a teenage boy with a crush.  
  
Finally he spotted Paul in the crowd; he was standing near the table where the food was served, giggling at something that Schneider was telling. It was like he'd felt Richard looking at him, because his eyes immediately snapped to his direction; his laughter faded and it was replaced with a warm smile. Richard couldn't wait any longer, he needed to talk to Paul and be closer to him.  
  
”Congratulations on your winning, you absolutely deserved it”, he beamed as soon as Richard had walked up to them. Richard was filled with an urge to hug Paul, to wrap his arms tightly around him and feel his body against his own, but of course he couldn't do that in the room full of people. It was like Paul knew what he was struggling with, because he gave Richard a comforting smile.  
  
A huge tray full of delicious-looking pizza slices was brought to the table and that distracted Schneider for a while, so Paul quickly leaned closer to Richard and whispered to his ear:  
  
”After we're done with this party, come to my hotel room”.  
  
That sent a rush of arousal through Richard's body and he shivered. He met Paul's gaze and it was full of anticipation and it took all of Richard's willpower not to grab Paul and kiss him right there.  
  
”Kruspe!”, Till's loud voice interrupted them as he came to stand next to Richard and put his hand on his shoulder. ”I want to sing”, he announced.  
  
”By all means, go ahead”, Richard looked at his boss with amusement.  
  
”No, I need you to play guitar for me”, Till insisted, and Paul let out a small giggle.  
  
”I don't have my guitar with me”, Richard said, hoping that he now had a way out of the situation.  
  
”That's why we have a guitar in here! You never know when it might come in handy”, Till announced cheerfully and disappeared for a while. After a minute or so, he came back with an acoustic guitar in his hand. _So he wasn't joking after all.  
  
_So that's how Richard ended up spending most of his time at the party; sitting next to Till on the couch, trying his best to play whatever old German schlagers his boss insisted on singing. It wasn't really _that bad_, people were cheering for them and Till actually had a fantastic voice, but Richard couldn't understand his choice of genre. And to make things even more ridiculous, at some point Schneider joined them, carrying something that appeared to be a toolbox stolen from the pit. He sat proudly on the couch next to Richard and Till and started banging the toolbox, pretending it was a drum.  
  
At some point, Richard caught Paul staring intently at him and when he locked eyes with him, Paul nodded towards the door. Richard felt his mouth go dry and once again he was shivering with anticipation. After what seemed like an eternity, Till finally got bored of singing and wandered off to fetch more to drink; Richard took that as an opportunity and quickly sneaked to where Paul was still waiting for him, hands in his pockets.  
  
Neither of them spoke a word as they walked side by side to the hotel. By the time they reached the elevator, Richard could feel his heart almost beating out of his chest. He was shaking from head to toe, both from anticipation and nervousness, and for some reason he suddenly felt alarmingly shy in front of Paul. Their first kiss had happened so unexpectedly that he hadn't had time to be nervous about it, but now that he was in the elevator, minutes away from being in Paul's hotel room, he was so nervous that he almost felt sick.  
  
When the elevator reached the right floor, Paul gave Richard a reassuring smile, grabbed his hand and lead him out of the elevator and into his room. Paul quickly got rid of his hoodie so that he was now wearing only a t-shirt, and guided Richard to sit on the bed next to him.  
  
”Okay, umm..” Paul kept fiddling with his hands. ”I don't know why but I just got really nervous”, he confessed and let out a small laugh. Richard felt a relief spreading through his body, he was glad that he wasn't the only one who was nervous.  
  
”It's okay, I'm nervous as well. It's been a while since I've – well”, Richard didn't finish his sentence and he felt a blush spreading on his cheeks.  
  
Paul shifted a bit closer to him on the bed, putting his hand on Richard's thigh – that almost caused Richard to choke on his own saliva.  
  
”Richard, I just want you to know that what I said to you that night at the party, I meant every word. I could never betray your trust. That interview happened before that, and I was upset, even though it's no excuse... But I realise that I made a mistake and I'm so sorry”, Paul confessed, looking at Richard with a hint of sadness in his eyes.  
  
”I belive you, I really do”, Richard saw a relief flash in Paul's eyes. ”It's just... I don't easily trust people, okay? It took me a lot of time to start trusting you, and that's why I got so freaked out about the interview. But I don't blame you for it, not anymore. And I also want to say that I'm sorry for how I've been acting towards you”, he added.  
  
Paul shifted closer to him and angled his body so that he was now facing Richard. He took his hand from where it had rested on Richard's thigh, and brought it up to the side of his neck.  
  
”Can I kiss you now?” he asked cautiously, and Richard couldn't understand why because he thought that it was obvious how much he wanted Paul to kiss him, how much he'd wanted it since friday and probably a long time before that.  
  
This time it was Richard who brought their lips together; it was gentle at first, like they were trying to figure out how to do this because somehow, this felt like a first time for them. Their previous time had been rushed and desparate, but this time they had all the time in the world.  
  
It was a bit clumsy at first, because Richard was sitting on the edge of the bed and his body was at an odd angle, but then Paul quickly got up and lifted Richard's legs on the bed, guiding him to lie down. Before Richard could even grasp what was happening, Paul was on top of him, kissing him with such intent that every last bit of his nervousness melted away.  
  
Richard's hands were exploring Paul's body wherever he could reach, and he lifted Paul's shirt, feeling the warm and soft skin on his back. Paul took that as a clue so he lifted himself up, pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it on the ground – Richard's breath got caught in his throat because _fuck, how can anyone be that gorgeous? _He wanted to kiss every part of Paul's upper body, taste the skin on his tattoos and leave small bites on his stomach.  
  
Richard felt Paul tugging the hem of his own shirt, so he quickly unbuttoned it and threw it on the floor as well, but as soon as he'd done that, a feeling of self consciousness took over him. Paul must've sensed the change in the mood, because he put his hand on Richard's cheek and looked at him gently.  
  
”Is something wrong?”  
  
Richard felt his cheeks burning, he was ashamed of his own nervousness but the way Paul kept looking at him with eyes full of worry, he had no choice but be honest with him.  
  
”You're going to think I'm stupid now, but...” Richard begun, and he couldn't look Paul in the eyes anymore. ”You're just so fucking hot, and so much younger than I am. And I'm, well, I look like this and why would someone like you even look twice at my way”.  
  
”You're not making any sense”, Paul said immediately. ”You really don't have a clue about how hot you are, do you?” Richard still refused to look at him, so Paul had no other option than to kiss him.  
  
”During these past two days I wanted nothing more than to drag you to my room and fuck you”, Paul said with a low voice, and proceeded to kiss Richard's neck and his collarbone. Richard let out a soft moan, and that encouraged Paul to leave a small bite on his shoulder.  
  
”And you're not that much older than me, only five years”, he continued and now he was leaving small kisses on Richard's chest. ”I've been dreaming about doing this to you for ages”, Paul said with a breathy voice and he moved on the bed so that he was now kissing Richard's stomach, licking and biting the soft skin. Richard was breathing heavily now, his hands were gripping the sheets and he was writhing under Paul's touch.  
  
It didn't take long until every last piece of clothing had been removed and when Paul adjusted himself on top of Richard and their bodies finally touched properly, skin on skin, Richard felt like he would do anything for Paul. Usually Richard needed to be in control over everything, but with Paul it was different, he wanted to be completely devoured by him and he gladly accepted whatever Paul was willing to give him.  
  
”You're so fucking beautiful”, Paul whispered to him and Richard's eyes were now full of tears, that's how much he needed Paul to touch him and he wasn't even scared of showing that to him anymore. Paul made it his mission to prove to Richard in every possible way how much he admired his body, how beautiful he was to him. His touch was burning Richard's skin, sending shockwaves of pleasure in every part of Richard's body and Richard couldn't even see properly anymore, his vision was completely blurred and all he could hear was the noises he was making. All he could feel was Paul's mouth and hands everywhere, the weight of his body on top of him and finally, _inside him. _And it didn't take long before the pleasure was getting too much for Richard to handle, he kept repeating Paul's name over and over again and tears were gathering in his eyes.  
  
Paul's movements were becoming more desparate by every passing second, and he was now mumbling sweet things into Richard's ear, repeatedly telling him how good he felt and eventually that was enough, Richard couldn't take it anymore and he felt the pleasure exploding in his body, he lost all his grip on reality and fuck, his whole body was shaking and that was enough to send Paul over the edge as well.  
  
Eventually, after a long time, Richard started to come back from his high and he turned his head to look at Paul, who was lying next to him, still trying to catch his breath. Paul smiled at him, it wasn't his usual mischevious smile but this time it was different, he looked happy and content, and Richard felt overwhelmed by everything, he couldn't even begin to understand what had just happened.  
  
Soon his eyelids were starting to feel heavy and it didn't take long until he was falling asleep, not even having time to question whether he should sneak back to his own room or not. The last thing his brain registered before he fell asleep, was Paul pulling the covers over him and his lips brushing gently on Richard's forehead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always appreciated! Once again, I'm trying to get the next one out within 2 weeks :)
> 
> My Tumblr is hennakaroliinan and I’m always willing to chat about Rammstein, fanfics etc!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Rally Deutschland is getting closer, marking the one-year anniversary of Richard's tragic accident, the pressure is growing stronger than ever. How will that affect Richard's relationship with Paul?

Richard woke up to sunlight filtering through the curtains. At first it was too bright for him so he kept his eyes closed, his mind slowly beginning to realise that he wasn't in his own hotel room. A shiver ran through his entire body when he remembered what had happened last night. Richard could've easily mistaken it for a dream, that's how surreal the memory was but the pleasant ache in his body was a proof that he hadn't been dreaming. He let his eyes remain closed, his mind lingering on how Paul's body had felt under his hands.  
  
When Richard finally opened his eyes, he noticed that he was alone in the bed and his mind was taken over by an uneasy feeling. _Did Paul regret this so much that he sneaked out __already__?  
  
_He was startled by a sound of a door opening. Richard quickly turned around and he let out a relieved sigh as he saw Paul coming out of the bathroom.  
  
”Good morning”, Paul smiled at him as he walked towards the bed. Richard was too shocked to say a word, his eyes had barely gotten used to the sunlight and then Paul had the audacity to walk in front of him completely naked, and that amount of beauty was too much for Richard to process after just waking up.  
  
The mattress bounced when Paul climbed to the bed next to Richard, and that's when he got back his ability to talk.  
  
He looked at Paul, still not quite believing that he was there. ”For a minute I thought you had left... Do you regret what happened last night?”  
  
Paul's eyes widened, like he was shocked that Richard would even ask such thing. He moved closer to Richard, lying on his side and gently brushed Richard's shoulder with his fingers.  
”No, I could never regret it. Do you?”  
  
Richard just shook his head, he was too overwhelmed to say anything. He turned on his side so that he was facing Paul, and he was met with blue eyes that were still a bit sleepy and god, how badly Richard wanted to simply stay there on the bed with him and never think about anything that happened in the outside world. He'd slept better than in months, and his usual nightmares hadn't bothered him at all last night. But no matter how badly he wanted, Richard couldn't escape the reality and all the complications that followed.  
  
”What happens after this?” he asked cautiously. ”I mean, was this just a one night thing for you because if it was, I completely understand-”  
  
”Christ, no, of course it wasn't”, Paul was quick to answer. ”I've wanted you for too long for it to be just a one night thing”.  
  
Richard felt a warm feeling spreading through his whole body. Paul's hand rested on the bed between them, so Richard grabbed it and laced their fingers together.  
  
”So... Let's just take things slow and see what happens?” he asked, stroking Paul's hand with his thumb.  
  
Paul smiled at him warmly. ”That sounds good. Do you think this will be difficult for the team?” he said aloud the question that had been on Richard's mind as well.  
  
”Not if we don't let it be”, he replied, squeezing Paul's hand. ”But maybe we should keep this between us for now, at least until we know what _this _even is”.  
  
”That's probably for the best”, Paul agreed. ”By the way, Till texted me earlier that the plane is leaving in three hours”.  
  
Richard almost jumped out of bed in panic. ”What? How long have I been asleep?”  
  
”It's almost 10 am already, but I didn't dare to wake you up”, Paul explained with an apologetic look on his face. ”Besides, you look kind of adorable when you're sleeping”, he added with a wink.  
  
Richard rolled his eyes. ”Fucking hell, I hope I didn't snore. And I'm not adorable”, he groaned.  
  
”Yeah you are, especially now when you're trying so hard not to be”, Paul laughed and tousled Richard's hair, which resulted in him turning his back to Paul and pretending to be moping.

Richard's moping didn't last long, because he suddenly realised that the plane was actually leaving in few hours and he definitely needed to shower.  
  
”I should probably go back to my room now”, he said and started gathering his clothes from the floor. Images from last night flashed through his mind; how he'd been desparate to feel Paul's skin against his own but how nervous he'd been at the same time.  
  
”You could always shower in here, if you want to”, Paul suggested and smiled in his usual mischevious way. Richard couldn't come up with one single reason as to why he shouldn't do that.  
  
For a moment he almost regretted agreeing to shower with Paul, not because he didn't want to, but because he realised that in order to shower you need to be, well, naked. Of course Paul had seen him naked last night but that was different, it had been dark and his mind had been clouded with lust, but now he was standing in the bright, white bathroom and he couldn't help but feel self conscious. It was as if Paul sensed his discomfort, because he held out his hand for Richard to grab, and pulled him gently into the shower with him.

  
So that's how he ended up in the tiny shower, pressed against Paul's hot and slick body as the warm water streamed down on them. Paul put his hand on Richard's neck and pulled him in for a deep kiss. The water was pouring over their heads and Richard got some of it in his mouth and kissing felt different; it was wet and slick and it was difficult to breathe without getting water in your nostrils. But it was good nevertheless, Richard couldn't imagine that kissing Paul would ever not be good.  
  
Richard was about to pour shampoo on his hand but Paul grabbed his wrist and guided him to turn around. Richard obeyed, and soon he felt Paul's hands spreading shampoo on his hair and starting to massage his scalp in circular motions. It felt better than Richard could've ever imagined, Paul was taking his time with it and with every movement of his hands, Richard felt the muscles on the back of his skull relaxing.  
  
After he'd rinsed the shampoo from Richard's hair, Paul grabbed the shower gel and poured it in his hands. Richard flinched a little when he felt Paul's hands on his skin but he soon relaxed, as he felt Paul's hands moving across his back and massaging his shoulders for a while. From there he moved his hands down to Richard's sides and then even lower, all the way down to his ass, and that made Richard's breath hitch. He felt Paul massaging the soft skin, even spreading his ass cheeks a bit and a warm feeling started pooling in Richard's stomach. His breathing got even heavier and he couldn't stop a small moan from escaping his lips when Paul put his arms around him and moved his hands across Richard's stomach and even lower, stopping right under his navel.  
  
Paul stepped even closer to Richard, pulling their bodies tightly together and Richard gasped at the feeling of Paul's wet body against him. He felt Paul's lips touch his shoulder, leaving small kisses there and occasionally biting the soft skin. Richard was now shaking with need, he could _feel _Paul against his ass and he wanted – no, he _needed _to be touched properly. When Paul finally moved his hands even lower from Richard's navel, his vision almost went black and he had to put his hands against the wall for support. After that it was all just a blur of wet skin against skin, desparate sounds and hot water pouring over them.

  
***

It was a miracle that they managed to get to the airport in time. Thankfully they did, because Till was known to disapprove of people being late – everyone other than himself of course – and one time he'd even commanded the plane to take off when Richard hadn't showed up in time. He'd had to buy his own plane ticket to a commercial flight just because he'd overslept that one time.  
  
As they had climbed the stairs to Till's plane, Paul stopped for a moment on the plane's entrance and turned to look at Richard. He had a nervous look on his face and that made Richard worried.  
  
”Can I kiss you, just once?” he asked shyly and fuck if Richard's heart didn't skip a few beats. He understood how Paul was feeling because that same feeling was bothering himself as well. They hadn't made any plans about when they would see each other again; the next rally was only two weeks away and those weeks would be filled with obligations. Everything was left open, there was no certainty of anything and that terrified Richard a bit.  
  
He quickly glanced around to make sure that nobody was watching, put his hand on Paul's cheek and leaned in to place a tender kiss on his lips. It was over sooner than either of them wanted, and Richard gave Paul's hand a quick squeeze before they entered the plane.  
  
It could've been just Richard's own imagination, but it felt like everybody was eyeing at them suspiciously as they walked to their seats.  
  
Schneider lifted his eyebrows at Richard as soon as he'd sat down on the seat next to him.  
”Should I even bother asking where you two disappeared last night, and more importantly, why you came here together?”  
  
Richard pretended like he didn't know what his co-driver was talking about and put his headphones on to escape the conversation.  
  
”Fine”, Schneider sighed. ”But you know that I'll get the information out of you eventually”.  
  
***  
  
Richard was thankful that the next rally was only two weeks away, because right from the moment he'd closed his apartment's door behind him, a restless and uneasy feeling had taken over his mind. The whole weekend in Finland had seemed to go by in a blurry haze of nervousness, anger, frustration and most of all, lust. Not once had Richard had the opportunity to slow down and process everything that had happened. But now that he was once again alone in his apartment, he had nothing but time to think and analyze things and, inevitably, to panic.  
  
Truth be told, Richard didn't have a clue about what had happened between him and Paul. During the summer break he had begun to think of Paul as his friend, but the consuming desire he felt for the other man had come as a complete shock for him. At first he'd thought that maybe his feelings would go away after they spent the night together, that maybe he just needed to get it all out of his system. But no, the desire had still been there in the morning, perhaps even stronger than before.  
  
Admitting those things scared Richard so much that it almost felt paralyzing. He had tried to shut out all unnecessary feelings from his mind since the beginning of the season; his sole focus had been driving and winning. Little by little, after every good result he'd gained some of his confidence back and there were even days when the accident was nothing but a bad memory. What would happen to all that progress if Richard opened himself up to feelings again?  
  
Richard had only been home for a few hours when his phone rang, with Flake's name on the screen.  
  
”Hi Reesh, umm... Is there something I should know?” Flake inquired as soon as Richard had answered the call.  
  
”What do you mean?” Richard was confused, and Flake told him to hold on for a second. Soon a message appeared on his phone and he clicked it open; there was a screenshot of a tweet and a picture. The picture was taken of him and Paul at the airport that day, they were walking side by side making their way to the plane. The tweet said: _Maybe TL Motorsport's drivers are closer than we thought after all? There was no signs of feud when Kruspe and Landers were spotted at the airport._  
  
”Oh...” Richard felt the heat spreading across his face. The photo itself wasn't bad because they were just walking like two friends, but he knew that Flake didn't see it that way.  
”Well, fuck, I might as well be honest. Something might have happened in Finland...”  
  
”Go on?”  
  
Richard bit his lip nervously. ”Me and Paul, we kind of...kissed. Or actually we did a lot more than that, but I'm guessing that you don't care about the details”.  
  
Flake let out a laugh. ”Well, I can't say that I didn't see that coming. You complain about him almost all the time and you're pretending to be annoyed at him, but I figured that there's something else going on”, he stated, amusement in his voice.  
  
”You probably realised that way before than I did, then...” Richard muttered.  
  
”So what's happening now, are you two dating or something?” Flake asked.  
  
”I'm not dating Paul!” Richard grunted, and as the words left his mouth he realised how difficult it still was for him to admit that he liked Paul. ”And keep your mouth shut about this, we don't want to make a big deal out of this before we even know if this is going anywhere”, he added.  
  
”Of course I won't tell anyone”, Flake assured. ”So, in two weeks it's going to be exactly one year from our, well, incident... How are you feeling?”  
  
Richard let out a deep sigh; he'd been knowingly avoiding the subject because he wasn't sure how he felt about it. The next rally would be Rally Deutschland, his home rally, which also meant that it would be exactly one year from his accident in the very same rally. Richard was afraid that during that rally he would constantly be reminded of his accident and everything he'd worked so hard to forget. Richard had a feeling that this would become the biggest challenge for him in his recovery process, that it would be a culmination point for everything. If he can prove to himself and everyone else that he's capable of driving a good result in Rally Deutschland, he can finally breathe and put it all behind him.  
  
”To be honest... I'm scared as hell”, Richard finally admitted to Flake. ”I'm worried that when I'm driving those same roads, all the memories will come back. And on top of that, I'm worried that this thing with Paul will affect my ability to concentrate. I don't wanna worry about anything else than driving”, he concluded. It felt good to say it out loud to someone who would always understand.  
  
”Have you talked about this with Paul?” Flake asked.  
  
”No...”  
  
”Maybe you should”, Flake suggested. ”He probably doesn't know how big of a deal this is to you, and he might wonder why you're acting all moody and strange”.  
  
Richard knew that his friend had a point. He really should talk to Paul about this, to make him understand that whatever Richard's mood would be during that week, it wouldn't have anything to do with how he felt about Paul. He just didn't know when would be the right time for that; he didn't want to do it on the phone and they didn't exactly have any leisure time before the rally. Starting from tomorrow, they would be busy testing their cars and finding the right settings for the asphalt stages, and on the next monday they would already fly to Saarland, where the official rally events would kick off.  
  
Richard came to the conclusion that he just needed to organize some time alone for him and Paul before the actual competition would start. Even the thought of being alone with Paul sent a shiver down his spine and he felt an overwhelming urge to have the other man in his arms right that moment, to touch his soft skin, play with his earring and kiss the mischevious grin off from his face.  
  
_What the hell is happening to me?  
  
_***  
  
The following week felt like it dragged by slower than ever, but at the same time it was over faster than Richard would've wanted. The long days and countless of hours spent testing the car had been exhausting, but even though the car was now ready for action, Richard wasn't. There were days when the rally couldn't come soon enough, and he was excited to prove himself to everyone, and then there were days when he was so scared that he couldn't eat or sleep. On those days, Richard could only see one outcome for the rally, and it was inevitable humiliation and failure.  
  
So when it was time to travel to Saarland on the next monday, Richard felt like he was entering a dark tunnel, which he had no idea where it would lead to.  
  
And Paul... Well, Richard would be lying if he said that he hadn't kept checking his phone multiple times a day, hoping to see a message from him. They had of course seen each other a few times during test driving days, but there had never really been a chance to talk properly. But god, Richard had gotten a tingling feeling in his body every time he'd met Paul's eyes during those days. And never before had he thought that a driving suit could be even remotely sexy, but apparently Paul was an exception. Richard had shamelessly kept staring at his body every chance he got.  
  
Eventually, a message from Paul had appeared on Richard's phone.  
  
_”You have no idea how difficult it is to see you and not be able to touch you”.  
  
_That message had Richard grinning to himself like an idiot for the rest of the week. God, he couldn't wait until he could be alone with Paul again, even for a short moment.  
  
From the moment they had arrived to their hotel in Saarland, Richard had realised that Schneider and Oli knew what was going on between him and Paul. It seemed like they had both decided to keep their drivers away from each other during the rally week. ”It's my job to make sure that you won't get distracted”, Schneider had replied when Richard had confronted him about being overly interested in his whereabouts.  
  
His co-driver had a point though, Richard needed to keep his mind focused solely on the rally and ”not think with his dick”, as Schneider had politely said. However, it was more easily said than done; the desire that Richard felt for Paul was on a completely new level now, up to the point where he was almost afraid of seeing the other man.  
  
Of course Richard couldn't avoid seeing Paul forever. When tuesday night came and he finally had a couple hours of free time, he ignored Schneider's knowing looks and texted Paul to meet him in their team's lounge room. At first he'd been tempted to invite Paul to his room, but he knew that he wouldn't be able to control himself. And no matter how badly Richard wanted to feel Paul's hands on his body, to show him how much he craved his touch, what he needed the most right now was to talk.  
  
”Hey, how are you feeling?” Paul asked as soon as Richard had sat down on the couch next to him. Richard took a moment to look at Paul properly; he was wearing sweatpants and a hoodie, and Richard wanted so badly to hug him that he could actually feel his body twitching towards him.  
  
Richard let out a deep sigh before he answered. ”Today's been... pretty awful, if I'm honest”.  
  
”Why is that?” Paul immediately asked, with a concerned look on his face.  
  
”You know how this rally is kind of the anniversary of my...” Richard paused, and after Paul nodded and said ”I know”, he continued: ”Well, I knew that I was going to be reminded of it, I was prepared for it but then again, can you really be prepared for something like that? The reporters have been asking me about it, how it feels to be back and did I feel guilty about that man's death... It's just exhausting”.  
  
Something flashed in Paul's eyes, something that resembled sadness, and he quickly reached out his hand and gently touched Richard's knee.  
  
”Why would anyone even ask about that? It wasn't your fault, it could've happened to anyone”, he said firmly.  
  
”But I still feel guilty about it”, Richard admitted. ”I'm not sure if you know this, but I was sick that day and that affected my driving, so in a way it is my fault.”  
  
Talking about it suddenly made it feel more real again, and Richard could almost feel his shoulders sinking from the weight of everything that had happened.  
  
”I wish you didn't blame yourself for it”, Paul said quietly, giving Richard a look that made his heart ache.  
  
”It's okay, and it's actually gotten easier. The guilt goes away during the day, especially when I'm keeping busy. I still have occasional nightmares about it though...” Richard paused, his mind drifting off to the contents of his recent nightmares.  
  
They actually had changed a bit, there was still an accident but it was a completely different one than before. This time it was him driving on stage, focused on the road and determined to win, when he suddenly sees a car crashed on the side of the road. The car is completely wrecked and swallowed by flames. When Richard gets closer to the car, he sees the names on the window: _P. Landers, O. Riedel_. Panic takes over him, he tries to shout for help but there's nobody in sight and he can't move his legs anymore, he can't do anything but watch the burning car in horror.  
  
Of course, he wouldn't tell Paul about those nightmares.  
  
Richard was brought back from his thoughts when he felt Paul's hand softly brush his own. ”If there only was something that I could do to make you feel better...”  
  
_Kiss me. That would make me feel better. _That's what Richard wanted to say, but he didn't.  
  
”I just feel like this is it, if I'm able to enjoy this rally and get a good result, it will maybe erase some of the bad memories”, he explained.  
  
Paul gave him an encouraging smile. ”I know you can do that, you just have to focus on the good feelings that driving gives you”.  
  
Richard was suddenly feeling bold, he didn't even look around if there were other people near as he took a hold of Paul's hand, playing with his fingers. It was a gentle and innocent touch, but it had been so long since the last time he'd felt Paul's skin, that it was enough to send a pleasant shiver down Richard's spine.  
  
Judging by the way that Paul's breath hitched, he wasn't exactly unaffected by the skin contact either. Just the thought that Paul might be feeling the same way as he did, spurred Richard on and he dared to move his hand so that it was now resting on Paul's thigh. Richard could feel the warmth of his skin through the soft material and he moved his hand, this time brushing along the inseam of the sweatpants. Paul let out a breathy sigh, and Richard felt his leg twitch, like he was trying to get Richard to move his hand again. And that's what he did, only this time he added more pressure as he moved his palm on Paul's inner thigh.  
  
When Richard looked at Paul's face, his head momentarily went dizzy – Paul had his eyes closed and he kept biting his lip, like he was trying to hold back a whimper. Richard added more pressure on his hand, moving it along Paul's leg with a torturously slow speed. All that time he kept marveling at Paul's face, completely hypnotized by the way he was reacting to his touch, trembling and trying his best to keep still.  
  
It was when Paul opened his eyes and looked at Richard with dilated pupils, that he decided that he couldn't wait any longer. Fuck Schneider, fuck the rally, he needed to get somewhere private with Paul right now. His mind was so clouded with lust that he didn't care about anything else at that moment.  
  
Richard was just about to tell Paul that, when he heard someone entering the room. He quickly withdrew his hand from Paul's thigh and tried his best to look normal, and so did Paul, even though his breathing was uneven and his face looked flushed.  
  
”Kruspe!” _Fucking hell, it was Till. _Richard forced a smile on his face when their boss walked up to them. Till gave them both a suspicious look, and something about him made Richard suspect that he also might know about them.  
  
”When I told you to get laid, I didn't mean by your teammate”, Till pointed out, looking at Richard with his eyebrows raised. ”But whatever floats your boat, I guess...”  
  
”Do you have a problem with this?” Richard asked, trying to sound firm despite of the blush that was spreading on his face. He quickly glanced at Paul, who was busy fiddling with his hands nervously.  
  
Much to Richard's surprise, Till let out a laugh. ”I don't care who you're fucking or who's fucking you as long as it doesn't affect your driving. If you're happy and not so tense anymore, then it's just good for the team!” he rejoiced and Richard was confused because _what, so Till isn't __at all __bothered by this?_  
  
Till cleared his throat and Richard suddenly felt a change in the mood.  
”But. If I see this affecting either of your driving, I will not tolerate it”, Till stated with a serious tone in his voice.  
  
”It won't, I promise”, Richard insured. ”When I'm working, my mind is one hundred percent focused on that”.  
  
”And so is mine”, Paul added.  
  
”That's all I needed to hear”, Till said and before he walked away, he added: ”By all means, carry on with whatever kinky stuff you were up to”.  
  
Till's lecture had quite effectively ruined the mood for Richard, so he was able to think more clearly again. Of course he still wanted Paul because hell, how could he not, but at the same time he was angry with himself. Richard had let himself be consumed by his lust for Paul, which was the complete opposite of what he was supposed to do. He needed to focus on the rally, this was his only chance to turn things for the better and he couldn't let it slip through his fingers just because he couldn't keep his feelings under control.  
  
***  
  
When it was time for Rally Deutschland to officially start on friday, Richard had gone through every possible state of panic and desparation, but in the end he had managed to calm himself down and find a right mindset for the weekend. He'd taken Paul's advice and tried to focus on the positive things about driving; the things that originally had made him to fall in love with rally cars. Richard had even called Flake and spent hours on the phone with him, reminiscing on the first rallies they'd driven together.  
  
Staying positive proved to be a challenge though, because wherever Richard went, he was somehow reminded of the accident and the pressure that laid upon his shoulders. And the media was the worst; almost in every interview Richard was asked the same questions:  
  


_Knowing the tragic history of this rally for you, how does it feel to be competing here again?  
  
If you're really ending your career after this season, then this will be your last ever Rally Deutschland. Do you feel like that adds some extra pressure for you this weekend?  
  
What about your ex co-driver Christian Lorenz, has he yet made a full recovery?  
  
_But despite the media's harassment, despite the reminders of the accident and of the approaching end of his career, Richard managed to stay focused. There was one thought that was stronger than all the negative ones, and it was his determination to prove himself. To prove that he wasn't just some has-been who's desparately trying to save the last bits of his pride. To prove that he was strong enough to recover from a tragic event, overcome his trauma and come out as a winner in the end.  
  
As the rally had progressed to it's final day on sunday, Richard was keeping a second place and to be honest, he couldn't have been more happy. He had driven brilliantly the entire weekend, and even though there had been moments of desparation, he'd overcome them and kept going. In the end, Richard didn't care if he came first or second. The most important thing was that he'd succeeded, he'd kept himself together under all that pressure. And what made him even happier was that Paul was the one leading the rally; Richard couldn't wait to share the podium with him.  
  
However, there was one more stage left to drive before the celebrations.  
  
When Richard's car finally crossed the finish line, the feeling he got was something he could never fully describe with words. It was a mixture of relief, pride, over the top happiness and something else, something that you can only feel when you've spent almost a year in darkness and finally driven to the light.  
  
”Fucking hell, you did it!” Schneider yelled as soon as they'd crossed the finish line and threw his pacenotes in the air.  
  
”No, _we _did it”, Richard corrected him and tried to fight away the tears that were beginning to gather in his eyes; he didn't want to cry in front of the cameras. When Richard got out of his car, he barely managed to get his helmet off before he was grabbed into a violent hug by none other than Till, of course.  
  
But it wasn't over yet, as there was still one more driver to come through. The last stage was always driven in reversed order, so that the driver holding the first position would be the last one to hit the stage. So Richard and Schneider joined all the other drivers where they were excitedly watching Paul's split times on the monitor.  
  
Before the last stage, Paul had been almost 8 seconds faster than Richard in overall time. And his speed was unbeatable in the first split of this stage as well; it seemed like his win was already sealed. However, as the time from the second split showed up on the monitor, Richard instantly knew that something wasn't right; Paul had driven almost 3 seconds slower than he had on that same split. Same thing happened on the next split, and because of that, Paul was now leading Richard by no more than two seconds.  
  
It wasn't long until the sounds of his engine could be heard, and the car appeared from the last tight corner. Paul didn't drive the corner perfectly, he went a bit too wide and Richard knew that he lost some time there as well. As Paul's car finally crossed the finish line and his final time appeared on the monitors, Richard's heart almost stopped. Paul had lost so much time on that last stage that his overall time was now two tenths of a second slower than Richard's.  
  
Which meant that Richard had just won the rally. _What the fuck did Paul just do?  
  
_It took him only seconds to realise what had happened. The way that Paul had driven to that last corner, it wasn't his style at all – it almost looked like he'd done it on purpose. His car was completely unscratched and the engine sounded perfect, so nothing was wrong with the car. And the way he had driven across the finish line – Richard knew that he hadn't been driving flat out, it had almost looked like Paul had slowed down before crossing the finish line.  
  
As the realisation hit him, Richard felt his stomach drop. Paul had driven purposely slower on the last stage so that Richard would win.  
  
The crowd went completely crazy around him, Germany's flags were all around in the air and everybody was congratulating him. Soon Richard and Schneider were taken to where the celebrations took place, and they climbed to the highest podium and through all that, Richard had to fake his smile. He had to fake it and hide behind it because in reality he was shaking with anger.  
  
Hell, anger was an understatement. Richard felt like everything he'd accomplished that weekend, everything he'd worked so hard for, had been taken away from him. He hadn't won because of his own accomplishment, he had won because of someone else's pity. He'd barely managed to drive into the light when he was pulled back to the darkness again.  
  
The events of the last stage hadn't gone unnoticed by Till either. As Richard drove his car back to the service park, Till was already there waiting for him, and Richard mentally prepared himself to be yelled at.  
  
”This is exactly what I was worried about!” he was right, Till was absolutely furious. ”The only reason why I'm not kicking him out of the team right now is that we didn't lose any championship points because of this, and we still got the podium. But I don't wanna see a stunt like this ever again, understood?” Till demanded with a threatening tone in his voice.  
  
”What are you yelling at me for? I'm as angry as you are, probably even more”, Richard snapped.  
  
”You're not exactly innocent in all this”, Till reminded. ”Now excuse me while I go to the gym to punish a punching bag. It's better if I handle Paul later, if I saw him right now I'd probably fire him immediately”, he announced before storming off.  
  
As soon as Paul had arrived and driven his car to the pit, Richard grabbed him by his arm and dragged him inside to an empty dressing room.  
  
”Why the hell did you do that?” Richard yelled as soon as he'd closed the door behind them.  
  
Paul had a confused look on his face. ”Do what? Richard, I don't-”  
  
”Stop lying to me!” Richard interrupted him. ”I know you slowed down on the last stage, not everyone noticed it but I did, I know your driving style and I know that you didn't give your everything on that stage.”  
  
”Fine, I admit it!” Paul shouted with a frustrated voice. ”But you wanna know why I did it? I just couldn't take the victory away from you, I knew how much it meant to you!” he explained, and his voice almost broke on the last words.  
  
”Take it away from me? It wasn't mine to begin with! I was perfectly happy with second place and now you took _that _away from me”, Richard was starting to feel desparate, he needed Paul to understand the gravity of his actions.  
  
”You don't understand how hard it is for me to compete against you, because sometimes I feel like your happiness means more to me than winning myself”, Paul's voice was trembling now and kept looking at Richard with glossy eyes. There was a part of Richard that couldn't stand seeing Paul like that, a part that wanted to wrap him in a comforting hug and tell him that _it's okay, _but that part was overthrown by his anger and disappointment.  
  
”Fuck, I was happy!”, he yelled and that made Paul flinch visibly. ”I was happy with second place, because that was my own accomplishment, I overcame my fears and didn't crack under pressure and I earned that second place. It felt as good as winning, or even better. I didn't want to win because of your pity”, Richard spat the last words like they were poison on his tongue.  
  
”I don't pity you! I just... I knew how important this rally was for you and you deserved to win”. Paul rushed towards Richard and tried to grab his hand but Richard yanked it away.  
  
”Yeah, this was important for me, and now you've ruined it. The point of this whole rally for me was to overcome my fears and drive as good as I can, but you just couldn't let me do that on my own”, Richard couldn't look Paul in the eyes anymore so he sat down on the bench and buried his face in his hands.  
  
”I'm sorry Richard, I truly am”, Paul said with a shaky voice. He walked up to Richard and sank down on his knees in front of him. Paul took both of Richard's hands on his own and pressed his forehead against them; Richard saw his shoulders shaking and he realised that he was trying to keep himself from crying.  
  
”I realise that I fucked up, but the truth is that I care about you so much that it clouded my judgement”, Paul said with a muffled voice.  
  
”I care about you as well”, Richard admitted because it was the truth; hell, he cared about Paul so much that he had almost forgot about his dreams and goals. ”But that doesn't automatically fix me. I need to do it on my own because the truth is that I'm still a fucking wreck. This weekend was supposed to be a turning point for me, and now that opportunity is gone”, Richard felt his own voice breaking on the last syllable.  
  
Paul raised his head from where it had rested against their joined hands, and looked at Richard with his eyes full of uncertainty. ”So what are you saying?”  
  
Richard took a deep breath and he felt his heart hammering in his chest and blood rushing in his ears. However, he tried to maintain a steady voice as he spoke: ”Driving needs to be my only priority for the rest of the season, this is my last chance and I can't let anything ruin that. That's all I can say right now”.  
  
Something shifted in Paul's eyes, Richard couldn't quite point out what it was but as Paul got up from the floor and the words left his mouth, Richard knew that he'd done something irreversible.  
  
”Fine. So I'll see you in two weeks then, I guess.”  
  
Then he walked out of the door, and even though there was a big part of Richard that screamed _don't let him leave, _he sat completely still, not making any effort to stop Paul from walking away from him.  
  
  
***  
  
If the following week taught Richard anything, it was that turning off your feelings wasn't so easy after all. There were some days when he was doing alright, mostly when he was busy with work, but after a while his composure had began to crack.  
  
One afternoon as Richard had been lounging on his couch, playing some songs on his guitar, he'd accidentally come up with a really cool riff. His first reaction had been to text Paul about it, he'd already had his phone in his hand, but only then had he realised that Paul most likely wouldn't care.  
  
After one particularly tough night filled with nightmares and waking up with sheets drenched in sweat, the first thing Richard had craved for had been even a few comforting words from Paul. He'd looked at his phone with a foolish hope of seeing a notification of a new message.  
  
So it was needless to say that he wasn't doing so well with his attempt of ignoring his feelings. But despite of everything, Richard was still determined to believe that he'd made the right choice.  
  
"Will you please just tell me what's happened between you and Paul? Are you not together anymore?" Schneider begun questioning him one day when they were testing the car. It had been a particularly bad day so far, they couldn't seem to figure out the right settings for the car and Richard had eventually lost his nerve and yelled at the mechanics.  
  
"We were never together, it was just one night and that's it, now let's move on shall we?" Richard snapped at his co-driver.  
  
"That's complete bullshit, it was way more than that and you know it", Schneider insisted.  
  
"It doesn't matter anymore, my only focus right now is driving. Isn't that what you wanted, what all of you wanted?" Richard said with a mocking tone.  
  
"I'd much rather see you happy and enjoy driving, because right now you're being an insufferable ass”, Schneider pointed out.  
  
Richard was about to open his mouth to argue, but his co-driver gestured him to keep quiet.  
  
"I know you feel like Paul let you win out of pity, but he didn't see it that way. He cares a lot about you and your happiness, although I don't understand why...", Schneider teased and that earned him a light punch in the shoulder. ”Can't you at least consider sorting things out with him?”  
  
"This will be my third to last rally ever, so I need to be focusing on that. But maybe, once this is over, I'll consider it", Richard promised.  
  
_If Paul even wants to sort things out after everything that's happened, I wouldn't blame him if he didn't._  
  
  
***

It was the last day of Wales Rally, rain had been pouring down since morning and Richard felt like the grey skies reflected perfectly how he'd been feeling the entire weekend. His driving had been decent enough to secure him fourth position, but not once had he enjoyed himself during the weekend. Right now, driving felt like something he was obliged to do, not something he wanted with all his heart.  
  
So when Richard crossed the finish line of the last stage, he didn't feel joy because of his position, nor did he feel disappointment because he wasn't on the podium. He felt empty and numb, a feeling that had become painfully familiar to him during all the long weeks spent alone in his apartment, just waiting for the next rally to begin.  
  
”Jesus, look at Paul's time on the second split”, Schneider said as they were standing near the finish line, watching the monitor screen. Paul had been holding a second place ever since saturday, and judging by his split times on the last stage, he was really giving his everything now.  
  
_Maybe he isn't at all bothered with what happened, since he's driving so well, _Richard kept thinking bitterly.  
  
It was now only a matter of minutes before Paul's car would appear to their sight and be speeding towards the finish line. Richard was biting his lip nervously and kept his eyes glued to the road. He was waiting to hear the roaring sounds of the engine echoing from afar, coming closer little by little until Paul's car would appear from between the trees.  
  
There was nothing yet, no engine sounds. Richard glanced at the clock nervously, _he should already be close enough for us to hear.  
  
_An uneasy feeling began taking over Richard's mind, as the minutes slowly followed one another. _Where the hell was Paul, had the car broken down?  
  
_The time on the monitor was now running red, which meant that Paul should've crossed the finish line already. Richard felt his legs starting to shake and his pulse was racing.  
  
Another 30 seconds went by, and still no sound to be heard. Nausea was swirling in Richard's stomach and he felt like he was only seconds away from throwing up.  
  
Twenty seconds. Richard could hear the rushed voices coming from the organizers' radiophones, a signal that something had happened.  
  
Ten seconds. He heard sirens in the distance, and it was soon accompanied by a sound of a helicopter taking off.  
  
Five seconds. He felt Schneider grab his arm and say something to him but he couldn't figure out what, Richard could only hear his own heart pounding in his ears, mixing with the sounds coming from the rescue units.  
  
Richard suddenly felt parallel to his recent dream, where he saw Paul's car crashed on the side of the road, and he was paralyzed and helpless to do anything.  
  
Only this time he didn't wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now there's just one more chapter left!
> 
> Comments always make my day :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richard looks back at everything he's done and realises something. But is it too late?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay - here it is, the last chapter. I've been struggling so much with this one, perhaps because the previous chapter was such an emotional rollercoaster that it was difficult to write anything after that, and also because I've been scared as hell about letting go of this fic.
> 
> Please read the notes at the end as well! But for now - here we go:

Everything around him felt chaotic.  
  
It was all just a mixture of sounds and movement; sounds from engines, helicopters, people talking and shouting, cameras flashing, people rushing around and still, Richard couldn't feel a thing. It felt like he simply wasn't in his own body anymore, like he was watching all of it from a distance; and his body was standing in the middle of it all like an empty shell.  
  
Someone took a firm grip of Richard's shoulder and repeatedly called his name; no reaction.  
  
That same person then took a hold of his arm and started dragging him away from the prying eyes of the crowd, and Richard couldn't do anything but move his feet and try to keep up, even though he barely even felt his own legs.  
  
”Richard, look at me”, it was Schneider who spoke, and he then grabbed Richard forcefully by his shoulders, forcing the man to look at him. Richard looked at his co-driver with a blank expression, blinking his eyes.  
  
”You're in shock, so just focus on breathing now”, Schneider tried calming him down and guided Richard with his voice to take deep breaths in and out. After a while Richard seemed to gain back at least some grasp of reality. ”It's all going to be alright”, Schneider assured.  
  
”No it's not!” Richard trembled, looking around in panic like he wasn't completely aware of where he was. Now that his shock was slowly fading away, it was replaced with fear and desparation. ”The car was on fire and..” his voice broke on the last syllables.  
  
”There's no fire, Richard. I only saw paramedics go there, not the fire truck”, Schneider explained and put his hand reassuringly on Richard's trembling shoulder.  
  
”No you don't understand”, Richard sobbed with a voice full of despair. ”I've had nightmares about this, of this exact moment”.  
  
”They're just nightmares, and you're still in shock”, Schneider continued speaking with a steady voice, trying to calm down his driver. ”This is rally and sometimes accidents happen, it's part of the sport and I'm sure they're both fine”.  
  
Richard wasn't having any of it, he couldn't just stand there helpless and not knowing anything. ”I need to get to the hospital right now”.  
  
”I'm coming with you!” Richard spun around as he heard Till's voice coming from behind him. His boss had a serious look on his face and that made the fear in Richard's mind grow even stronger. _If Till looks this serious then things must really be bad.  
  
_”Just go, I'll stay here and take care of everything else”, Schneider urged them, and Richard gave him a grateful smile and rushed after Till who was already on his way.  
  
It didn't take long before Richard realised that there was no way they could get out of the area. The surroundings of the finish line were filled with crowds and organizers, probably thousands of people had packed into the area. The only road that lead out of there was already full of cars and even if they decided to drive out of there, it would take them hours to get to the hospital, that's how badly the traffic was jammed.  
  
”This is hopeless, what the fuck do we do now?” Richard's panic was beginning to rise again.  
  
Till was looking around, his eyes scanning their surroundings like he was trying hard to come up with a solution. After a while his face lit up. ”I have a plan! Me and a bunch of other people flew here on a helicopter, so I'll just bribe the pilot to take us there, come on!”  
  
Richard's legs were still shaking from panic but he tried his best to keep up with his boss who was running towards the helicopters that were parked in the nearby field. _I really hope this is going to work, I can't spend another minute not knowing what's happened to Paul._ Feeling more anxious than ever, Richard walked up to Till who was now talking to a man standing next to one of the helicopters, demanding to know where the pilot was.  
  
”Shit, what are we going to do now...”, Till cursed to himself after he'd been informed that the pilot wasn't available at the moment. He paced around restlessly for a moment, looking like he was going through some inner battle. Finally he stopped and clapped his hands together once.  
  
”The thing is... We're going to borrow this helicopter for a while now”, Till announced with a determined voice, not really asking for permission.  
  
”Till, what the fuck...” Richard muttered to himself, shaking his head.  
  
”Sorry but it's not yours to take, we need to wait for the pilot”, the man explained with a confused look on his face.  
  
Till however, wasn't going to take no for an answer. ”I'll buy this damn thing then! And I do have a license, so move out of my way”, he commanded and as the man looked too shocked to say anything, Till just climbed to the helicopter casually, like this was something he did every day.  
  
Richard had no choice but to follow him. ”Do you even know what you're doing? You're getting us both killed”, he said with a terrified voice.  
  
”I've got a flying licence and I've done this a hundred times, now shut up and fasten your seatbelts”, Till commanded almost angrily and started getting the helicopter ready for taking off. Richard didn't have any other option than to do as he was told and sit helplessly on his seat, hoping that Till really knew what he was doing.  
  
***

As it turned out, Till could actually fly a helicopter, even though Richard had spent the first ten minutes of their journey close to having a panic attack, certain that they would end up crashing to the ground any minute.  
  
Luckily, that didn't happen. It took them only twenty minutes to get to the hospital, and as Till guided the helicopter to the landing pad on the hospital's roof, Richard was so anxious to get to Paul that he was close to jumping out of the helicopter before it had even properly landed.  
  
”Richard, wait”, Till said when he'd safely landed the helicopter and Richard was about to climb out. ”I can't come with you, I need to return this thing and I'm not even supposed to land here, so tell Paul that I'm sorry”, he concluded with a serious look on his face.  
  
”Sorry for what?”  
  
”For lashing out on him after Rally Deutschland, and for putting too much pressure on him, on both of you”, Till explained with a voice full of regret.  
  
”You seriously can't blame yourself for this”, Richard stated.  
  
”I'm the worst boss ever, that's what I am...”, Till was shaking his head. ”Maybe I'll just sell the goddamn team and buy a karaoke bar somewhere warm”.  
  
Richard couldn't stop a laughter escaping his mouth. ”As nice as that karaoke bar sounds, you're not selling anything. TL Motorsport is your life's work.”  
  
Till just shrugged his shoulders and urged Richard to climb out of the helicopter: ”Don't you have somewhere you need to be?”  
  
  
Richard could feel his nervousness growing stronger with each step he took towards the emergency department. Nausea was swirling in his stomach again and he tried to maintain his focus on breathing as calmly as possible, as there was no room for panic. The only thing that mattered was to get to Paul as soon as possible.  
  
Richard's voice almost broke as he got to the information desk and asked for Paul and Oli.  
  
”The doctor is still with them, he's doing a few more tests but we'll let you know as soon as you can go see them”, a nurse told him.  
  
”But are they alright?” Richard stuttered, his voice barely audible.  
  
The nurse gave him a comforting smile. ”Only minor injuries, nothing serious”.  
  
_Only minor injuries, nothing serious. _Richard could feel a relief spreading through his body. He sat down on a bench and buried his face in his hands, trying to stop the tears of relief that were burning in his eyes.  
  
As he was sitting there, his heartbeat finally slowing down and breathing becoming more calm, the reality of what had happened begun dawning on Richard. From the moment he'd realised that Paul's car wasn't showing up, Richard's world had been narrowed down to one thought; _Paul needs to be okay. _That had been his lifeline for the past two hours, the only coherent thought in the middle of chaos.   
  
But now, as the panic had finally faded away and his heartbeat had slowed down, Richard was capable of thinking again. His mind drifted back to the moment when he'd been standing near the finish line, realising that Paul's car had crashed. All the traumatizing memories from his own accident and the contents of his recent nightmares had mixed up in his head, and made him believe that the worst had happened. The only thought in his mind before going to shock had been; _I didn't have the chance to sort things out with him._ Even the thought of that was so terrifying that it made Richard feel nauseous again.   
  
The more he thought about what had happened, the more he started to feel ashamed of himself. Richard begun to realise just how fixated he'd been on proving his own worth and maintaining his pride. Showing to the world that he could come back after his accident, winning the championship... Did any of that really matter?  
  
Richard felt his stomach growl and only then he noticed how exhausted and worn out he was feeling. He was still wearing his driving suit and he probably smelled awful after spending the whole day in the car and sweating.  
  
However, Richard's discomfort was quickly forgotten as a nurse walked up to him and informed him that he's now allowed to see Paul and Oli. He quickly jumped up from the bench and followed the nurse who showed him to the correct room.  
  
Before entering the room, Richard paused and stood still for a while – he suddenly realised that he had no idea what to say to Paul. During the past few hours the only thought in his mind had been to make sure that Paul is okay, and now that he knew he was, Richard had no idea what would happen next. Would Paul even want to see him after everything? Would he even be willing to listen to him, to give him a chance to say how sorry he was?   
  
Despite of his heartbeat racing again and his hands shaking with nervousness, Richard took a deep breath and entered the room. Paul's eyes were immediately on him, and Richard's breath got caught in his throat. He didn't know what to say or do so for a moment he just stared at Paul, who was half sitting in the hospital bed and god, how badly Richard wanted to just walk up to him and wrap his arms around him. To make sure that he actually was there, that he wasn't just dreaming all of this.  
  
He was awaken from his trance as he heard Oli coughing awkwardly. ”Richard, how on earth did you get here so fast?”  
  
Richard let out a laugh, because honestly, in the middle of his panic he'd almost forgotten that Till might now be in hell of a trouble because of him. ”It's a long story, but basically Till stole a helicopter and flew me here”, he explained and was met with a stunned silence.  
  
”Till stole a helicopter?” Paul asked with disbelief. ”How come you're standing here in one piece?”  
  
”Never mind about me, what happened to you guys? Are you alright? The nurse told me that there's no serious injuries...” Richard kept looking at both men nervously.  
  
”I've got a small fracture on my arm and some bruises”, Oli explained. ”Paul's got a broken rib and a concussion but nothing worse, he'll probably need to skip only one rally”.  
  
”It's not so bad”, Paul shrugged. ”If you ask me, I could be driving right away. But the doctor ordered me to skip the next event, which is understandable even though it sucks.”  
  
”But what happened on that stage? Was there something wrong with the car?” Richard asked.  
  
”No, it was just a stupid mistake that I made... Approached a corner too fast and before I could even realise, we were already rolling around. I was trying too hard and wasn't concentrating properly”, Paul explained while looking at anywhere but Richard.  
  
”You don't even realise how relieved I am”, Richard walked up to Paul and sat on the edge of the bed so that he was facing the other man. He was done with keeping his distance now, he needed to be closer to Paul, to touch him.  
  
Richard's attention shifted away from Paul as he heard Oli clearing his throat. ”I'm going to find a toilet now, and it's probably going to take a while”, he said with a wink and quickly fled the room, leaving Richard and Paul alone.   
  
”I was so worried that I would never get the chance to talk to you again”, Richard confessed after being quiet for a moment. He couldn't dare to look Paul in the eyes, as he was too afraid of being rejected somehow.  
  
”Hey, this is motorsport and things like this happen sometimes. This won't probably be the last time for me”, Paul brushed it off jokingly.  
  
Richard felt a sting of disappointment in his chest, and he sensed that something was off. The air between them was filled with tension but it wasn't the same tension as it used to be, this time it was something different. Richard tried to get a hold of Paul's gaze but failed; it almost seemed like his presence was making Paul feel uncomfortable.  
  
_He doesn't want me here. _The realisation hit him hard, the fact that he was sitting there, making a complete fool out of himself. Richard could feel his heart hammering in his chest, his uneven breathing flowing in and out of his nose, and no matter how badly he wanted to disappear, to sink through the floor, he was still sitting there and it was all too real for him.  
  
Richard knew that he had two options. First one was to run away and perhaps save the last bits of his dignity. The second one was to go all in – or in motorsport terms, go flat out – and tell Paul what he was thinking, no matter what the result would be. Only a few weeks ago Richard would've gladly chosen the first option. But that was before all of this had happened, before he'd let Paul see behind his walls, before he'd let himself be vulnerable again.  
  
_I will never forgive myself if I don't give this a go. _That thought was the only affirmation Richard needed, so he took one last deep breath before jumping headfirst into the unknown.  
  
”Paul, I need to tell you something”, and despite being terrified to see Paul's reaction, Richard looked at him straight in the eyes. ”I've had nightmares about this, about you being in an accident”.  
  
The look on Paul's face was a mixture of confusion and worry. He opened his mouth to say something, but Richard was quick to interrupt him. ”Wait, please hear me out. Those nightmares and what happened today, it made me realise something”.  
  
Richard could hear the trembling in his own voice, and his heart was beating so violently that it made him feel like he was about to lose control of his own body; he tried to calm down by focusing all his attention to the man sitting next to him, because at this moment, he was all that mattered.  
  
With a shaky voice he continued: ”I realised that my biggest fear isn't failing or being forgotten anymore”. With every word he spoke, Richard felt his body trembling even more.  
  
_Just say it. Take a deep breath and say it.  
  
__Fuck, here we go.__  
  
_”It's losing you, Paul. My biggest fear is losing you”.  
  
There it was, out in the open. As the words left his mouth, Richard felt like his chest had been opened and everything that he was, his biggest fears and most desparate wishes, were exposed and ready to be ripped apart. He'd never felt so vulnerable in his entire life.  
  
_Please, just say something. Anything.  
  
_A few minutes passed – or hell, it could've been days and Richard wouldn't have known the difference, time seemed to be frozen still – and Paul still hadn't said a word. Richard lifted his gaze from the floor to Paul's face, and he was met with eyes that were filled with uncertainty and sadness. Richard had never seen Paul look at him like that – he usually had a mischevious glow in his blue eyes, or he would be glaring at Richard annoyingly – but this time he looked like he was... scared?  
  
After what seemed like an eternity, Paul finally spoke and the words came out shaky and fearful. ”You're saying that now but... What about when I get out of here, when things go back to normal and we're competing against each other again...”  
  
”What are you saying?”  
  
”I'm scared that you will turn your back on me again”, Paul's voice was barely audible as he muttered those words, and he looked at Richard with an unbearable sadness in his eyes and at that moment Richard felt like he would do anything to make sure that he'd never have to see that look in Paul's eyes again.  
  
Richard took Paul's hand on his own, and even though Paul's body flinched at the contact, his shoulders soon seemed to relax as Richard begun stroking the back of his hand with his thumb.  
  
”I could never do that, not again”, Richard promised and continued stroking Paul's hand gently.  
  
”Richard, you have no idea how much I care about you”, Paul said and for a while, there was a gentle glow in his blue eyes. ”But that also makes me terrified”.  
  
”I'm terrified as well”, Richard confessed. ”But I just know that I can't be without you anymore”.  
  
That was the most vulnerable thing he'd ever said and the intensity of the situation was too much for him to take, so Richard withdrew his hand and closed his eyes for a while, not daring to meet Paul's gaze. However, he soon felt Paul's hand touching his cheek, and as he opened his eyes, Paul put his hand on Richard's neck and pulled him closer.  
  
Before closing the distance between them, Richard met Paul's gaze one more time, to make sure that this was really what he wanted – and as he saw no signs of objection in Paul's eyes, he leaned even closer and placed a gentle kiss on Paul's lips.  
  
All the anxiety and panic that had been consuming him for the past few hours was washed away at that moment. Richard didn't yet know what all of this meant, they still had so many things to talk about and many things he needed to apologize for, but at the moment he didn't care about anything else than the soft feeling of Paul's lips against his. He hadn't even realised how badly he'd been craving for this.  
  
Paul tried to pull Richard even closer to his body and deepen the kiss, but they had to stop because he suddenly hissed in pain. Richard quickly withdrew himself and looked at Paul worryingly.  
  
”Fucking hell, I forgot that I have a broken rib”, Paul cursed as he was trying to breathe evenly.  
  
There was a soft knock on the door. ”Are you guys finished? The doctor is walking this way”, Oli's head peaked from the doorway.  
  
”I better get back now, I don't even know if I was allowed to leave in the first place”, Richard said with a smile and squeezed Paul's hand.  
  
”I'll let you know as soon as I get out of here, and then we'll talk, okay?” Paul gave him a look that was full of promise.  
  
As Richard walked out of the hospital and towards the nearest taxi, his footsteps felt a lot lighter than before, even though the anxiety wasn't completely gone. Everything was still uncertain, perhaps even more than before, but Richard also felt a new kind of hope igniting inside him.  
  
***  
  
Richard was lying on the bed in his hotel room, browsing his social media accounts and interacting with his fans in order to keep himself occupied. As soon as he'd gotten back to the service park, Till and Schneider had come to him with their faces full of worry, and hadn't left him alone until he had filled them in with all the details. Well, _almost _all the details.  
  
”I know you probably don't care about this now, but since Paul didn't finish, you were third and with those points you've got a strong lead in the championship now”, Till had informed. He was right, at that moment caring about championship points felt like a distant thing for Richard.  
  
”Oh and just so you know”, Schneider had begun, ”There's a video on twitter of you two getting on a helicopter and taking off, so you might want to avoid the reporters for a while if you're not ready to explain”, he'd concluded with a laugh.  
  
So that's what Richard had done – he'd tried to sneak past all the reporters and get back to his hotel room, where he could finally relax after a stressful day and wait for Paul to get out of the hospital.  
  
After browsing through his social media, Richard remembered that he hadn't checked his e-mails probably in weeks. To his surprise, he hadn't missed many important messages but there was one that immediately caught his eye – in the middle of all sponsor-related messages there was one that was titled ”_About your band”. _Richard felt his curiosity growing as he opened the message and started reading it.  
  
It was from someone who had seen his band performing in the club a couple of months ago. Richard's eyes widened as he kept reading the e-mail further. _I was really impressed by your gig, especially those few songs that were your own. I think you have a lot of potential, and I wanted to know if you've made a demo, or if you're planning on making one? Also, I'm running a club of my own in central Berlin and I was wondering, if you would be up for a few gigs?_  
  
Richard's heartbeat suddenly sped up, and for an entirely different reason than previously that day. He kept reading the message over and over again in disbelief – had someone actually liked their gig so much? Richard had pretty much buried all his thoughts about his music career during the past few weeks, but seeing that e-mail lighted up a spark inside of him, a cautious one but still, it was more than he'd had in years.  
  
***  
  
Richard had felt the all too familiar tingling in his stomach from the moment Paul had texted him that he'd gotten out of the hospital, and was now on his way to the hotel. Richard had nervously paced around in his hotel room the entire time and as he finally heard a knock on the door, he rushed to open it with sweaty palms.  
  
Paul was standing in the doorway with messy hair and a tired look on his face, but his lips were curved in a wary smile. Richard didn't hesitate for even a second as he gently pulled Paul in from the doorway and wrapped his arms around him; he felt Paul instantly relax against him and let out a content sigh. Richard buried his nose into the crook of Paul's neck because he had the overwhelming urge to breathe in his scent, to feel Paul with every single one of his senses. Paul had a mixture of scents on his skin; sweat and motor oil from spending the day in the car, a faintest smell of a hospital, and something that was completely himself, his unique scent that Richard had missed so much.  
  
”I'm sorry that you have to skip Rally Spain”, Richard muttered after a while, as he withdrew from the hug.  
  
”Don't be. I never expected this season to be perfect, but I'm just sorry for Till because I can't bring any points for the team now”, Paul said with an apologetic look on his face.  
  
”I don't think Till cares about championship points now, he's just happy that you're okay”, Richard spoke gently. ”Now, let's get you relaxed”, he took Paul's hand and started leading him towards the bed where he had prepped some pillows against the headboard. Richard climbed on the bed, leaning against the pillows and urged Paul to join him. Richard felt a warm feeling spreading through his entire body as Paul settled between his parted legs and leaned back against him, resting the back of his head on Richard's shoulder.  
  
They sat there for a while, surrounded by a comfortable silence. Richard hadn't even realised how much he had missed being close to Paul, and now as the other man was sitting between his legs and his warm body leaning against him, Richard felt more content than he'd felt in a long time.  
  
”Paul, I need to tell you something”, Richard eventually broke the silence. He felt Paul tense up a bit, so he planted a small kiss on his head as reassurance. ”When I was waiting for you to get back, I had time to think and I realised how fucked up I've been this season... I've been fixated on proving myself because I couldn't just admit how badly the accident had affected me”.  
  
Richard paused for a while, trying to gather his thoughts. He wanted to be completely honest with Paul, to make him understand why he'd been acting the way he did.  
  
Richard had both his arms loosely wrapped around Paul, and he felt Paul's fingers brushing gently against his own; that's what gave him the courage to continue:  
  
”But I realised that if I carry on like this, obsessing over winning, I will be left with nothing when I finish my career. I'll be once again alone in my apartment, feeling that I'm no worth to anyone, and it's just a neverending circle...” the last words were barely audible, as the truth was so crushing and difficult to say out loud.  
  
Paul grabbed Richard's hand and gave it a comforting squeeze. ”It breaks my heart hearing you talk about yourself that way. That you think you're worthless – Richard, that couldn't be further away from the truth”.  
  
”Thank you”, Richard muttered quietly into Paul's neck. ”But today I started thinking that if I just let myself be open for other things, things that make me happy, then...”  
  
”Then what?”  
  
”Then maybe some day I'll wake up and notice that all my nightmares are gone”.  
  
It was the first time Richard had dared to say it out loud. He had barely even dared to imagine it; what it would feel like to go to sleep without the constant fear of nightmares, without feelings of guilt and unworthiness that creeped up on him at night.  
  
”I hope that I can be one of those things. I hope that I can make you happy”, Paul said quietly, almost sounding like he was scared of something.  
  
”You already do, you have no idea”, Richard wrapped his arms tighter around Paul, almost forgetting about his broken rib, and buried his face against Paul's neck. They stayed like that for a while, listening to each other's breathing and just enjoying being close to one another.  
  
”Richard, can I ask you something?” Paul spoke after a while, and as Richard nodded, he continued: ”There's only two rallies left now... Do you still feel like you're going to retire after that?” he asked cautiously, like he wasn't sure if he was allowed to ask about it.  
  
”When you say _retire_ it makes me sound like an old man”, Richard grunted.  
  
”But a very sexy old man”, Paul giggled, and if it weren't for his broken rib, Richard would've already pushed him off the bed.  
  
”But yeah, this is going to be it”, Richard said more seriously. ”And to be honest, I'm not even sad about it anymore, because another thing that I realised today was that my season has actually been fucking brilliant”, he stated.  
  
”Winning a championship title wouldn't be the worst way to end a career”, Paul smiled. ”I'm so happy for you”, he brought Richard's hand close to his mouth and pressed a gentle kiss on the back of his hand. ”Have you thought about what you're going to do next? What about your music?”  
  
”I don't really know...”, Richard let out a deep breath and let his thoughts wander around for a while. The truth was, he hadn't really given that much thought into what he would do after ending his competitive career. ”I'd love to be working with cars somehow. Oh and fuck – I completely forgot to tell you what happened earlier today!”  
  
Ever since Paul had come to his room, Richard had blissfully forgotten about everything else but now that he remembered the e-mail he'd gotten, he quickly grabbed his phone and showed the message to Paul. Richard watched him intently as he read the message, and he saw Paul's face lit up with enthusiasm.  
  
”I knew it!” Paul beamed at him. ”From the first moment I saw you on stage, I knew that you and your songs were brilliant. It was only a matter of time before someone else noticed it too”.  
  
Paul's enthusiasm caught on Richard as well, and for a moment he let himself picture what it would be like to have a career in music. It would be completely different than being a professional rally driver – there would be no more tight schedules, no more days filled with PR events or interviews, no more strict diets or workout programs. The thought of not having daily schedules and routines felt frightening to say the least.  
  
Another thing that scared Richard more than he wanted to admit, was the thought of having nothing to wait for. For as long as he could remember, he had lived his days just focusing on the next rally. Even though the occasional long breaks had always been difficult for him, there had always been the next _something _that had kept him sane. The thought of not having that, felt for Richard like he was about to jump headfirst into a dark void, not knowing if he would ever stop falling.  
  
Paul shifted a little and that brought Richard back from his thoughts. Feeling Paul's warm body against his chest, strands of brown hair tickling his chin and realising that he was actually there, that this was real – it lighted up something inside of him. It was a cautious feeling, so fragile that Richard didn't dare to say it out loud yet – but because of that feeling he knew that jumping into the unknown wouldn't be so terrifying anymore.   
  
Richard left a few tender kisses on Paul's head. _If you just stay with me, __I won't be so afraid of the future anymore__. _That's what he wanted to say – the words were already on the tip of his tongue – but he didn't.  
  
”Richard... When did you notice that you were interested in me?” Paul suddenly asked. ”Because for months it seemed like you hated my guts, so I'm a bit confused here”, he said with a laugh.  
  
”I never hated you, nobody could ever hate you”, Richard was quick to correct him. ”Maybe I felt threatened by you, you were so confident and good-looking and everybody loved you. I was so vulnerable at that time, when the season started... And then you caught me in the dressing room before that first race, and even though I'd been a dick towards you, you still decided to help me. I think that's when it kind of started...”   
  
Richard let his thoughts wander back to the beginning of the season, when Paul had walked in on him having a panic attack. Paul could've easily just laughed at him because that's what he would've deserved after being such a jerk, but no – Paul had put aside their feud and helped Richard gain back his confidence. Hell, if it weren't for Paul, Richard probably would've ended his career before the season had even started.  
  
”But even after that you continued acting like you hated me?” Paul asked half-jokingly, but Richard felt a sting of guilt in his chest. _I've been such a fucking moron._  
  
”Well, it took me a long time to realise how I was feeling... I think everybody else noticed before I did”, he admitted, feeling slightly embarrased.  
  
”It took me ages to figure it out, and even after we'd kissed, I still couldn't believe that you'd be attracted to me. I didn't want to give myself false hope”, Paul confessed.  
  
”What do you mean by false hope?”  
  
”This is embarrasing but...” Paul let out a deep breath before continuing. ”I've kind of wanted you ever since I met you for the first time. When we took that photo that's on my instagram”.  
  
Richard could feel his heartbeat speed up. ”What? Seriously?”  
  
”I told you it's embarrasing!” Paul grunted, covering his face with his hands. ”But it's not like I've been pining after you all these years, it's just been a small crush so don't let it get to your head”.  
  
Richard just snorted, and he felt a strange kind of happiness spreading inside him, warming up every single cell in his body and he couldn't even form any words because _what even is this feeling? _  
  
So instead of talking, he bent his head and started leaving small kisses on Paul's neck. A content sigh escaped from Paul's mouth and he tilted his head so that Richard would have a better access for his neck. He planted a few kisses on the soft skin, and then he made a trail towards the sensitive skin behind Paul's ear. As he gently bit down on his earlobe, Richard felt Paul's body shuddering against his own.   
  
”Paul Landers, do you have any idea what you're doing to me”, Richard muttered and moved his hands so that the other one was flat on Paul's stomach, and the other one was sliding down his thigh. Richard felt Paul's body twitch as he moved his hand slowly up and down along his thigh. He added more pressure on his hand and that caused Paul to part his legs more, which meant that Richard's legs were also parted even more and he could feel just how warm Paul's body felt against him, between his legs.  
  
Richard leaned closer to Paul's ear and whispered: ”I've never been this scared in my life of letting someone in, of trusting someone. But that's only because...” he paused and planted a few kisses on Paul's earlobe, causing him to moan quietly.  
  
”Because of what?” Paul said breathlessly.  
  
Richard moved his palm along the inseam of Paul's sweatpants and he felt how his body was twitching back against him. He was absolutely dizzy from the press of Paul's hot body against him, from his scent, from the soft noises he was making, but above all – from everything he was feeling towards the man in his lap.  
  
”Because I think I'm very, very much in love with you”.  
  
He should've been scared – hell, he should've been absolutely terrified saying those words but as they left his mouth, Richard felt like it was the truest thing he'd said in his life.  
  
He felt Paul's entire body shiver under his touch and his head fell back against Richard's shoulder. ”I'm in love with you too”, Paul said with a trembling voice. ”So fucking much”.  
  
_I'm in love with you too. _Richard's breath got caught in his throat and he was certain that his heart had skipped a few beats, or even more – fuck, he didn't care if it had stopped altogether. Nothing else mattered to him except for Paul, who was now twitching desparately against him, like he was trying to get Richard to move his hands again. Christ, he wanted to make him feel _so good, _he wanted to show him how much he meant to him, because words would never be enough.  
  
_So fucking much._  
  
***  
  
**Four weeks later.  
**_  
  
_It's a feeling that Richard would probably never be able to fully explain, not even years from now. That feeling when you cross the finish line at the last rally of the season, knowing that you've just driven a perfect race and that you would be climbing to the highest podium, not only as a winner – but also as a world champion.  
  
Later he would only remember snapshots of that moment – the way Schneider went absolutely crazy as they crossed the finish line, how Paul was the first one to hug him after he got out of his car, how Flake told him he'd never been more proud of anyone in his life. Everything else was a blur – the national anthem, the taste of champagne in his mouth, the noises of the crowd, all the people that were congratulating him.  
  
_I did it. Fuck, I did it. _It would take days or even weeks before the realisation would properly hit him, but at that moment Richard felt like all the torment and agony, all that he'd been through during the past year, it had all been worth it in the end.  
  
After the celebrations at the podium were over and everybody had finally made their way back to the service park, Till grabbed Richard by his sleeve and dragged him to an empty meeting room.  
  
”Kruspe, I've come up with an idea”, Till announced as soon as he'd closed the door behind them. ”What would you say if I offered you a job, here at TL Motorsport?”  
  
Richard stared at his boss for a while completely astonished. ”Are you serious?”  
  
”You could be in charge of developing the car. You know that car better than anyone and besides, you would get to travel the world with us. So, what do you say?” Till asked and looked at Richard with face full of anticipation.  
  
Richard didn't answer right away, as he kept thinking about the offer. He would get to do what he loved – being around cars, but without the pressure that comes with driving. He would have something to keep him occupied, some routines that would help him adjust to his new life without competitive driving, while still being present in the rally world.  
  
In the end, there really wasn't any decision to be made. ”I'd be honored to work for the best team in the world”, Richard replied and he saw a wide smile spreading across Till's face before he pulled him in for a hug.  
  
***  
  
”I talked to Till earlier and fuck, you won't believe what he said!”, Richard said excitedly to Paul who had been waiting for him outside his hotel room. They'd had a couple hours to take a shower and get changed before heading back to the team's building, because Till, of course, had insisted on throwing a massive party to celebrate Richard's championship title.  
  
”What? Tell me already!” Paul urged him impatiently.  
  
”He wants me to come and work for the team, to be in charge of developing the car and stuff. I will get to travel with the team, but I'll still have lots of time to focus on my music as well” Richard beamed and he saw excitement light up in Paul's eyes and before he could even react, Paul had already pulled him in for a deep kiss.  
  
It didn't take long until they started to get carried away and Richard was already thinking about skipping the party altogether, but it was Paul who finally broke the kiss. ”So does that mean that you'll also get to spend more time with me?”  
  
”We'll be travelling the world together”, Richard smiled and let his fingers brush along Paul's cheek. ”And I'll be working my ass off to make sure that next season you have the best rally car that anyone's ever seen”, he promised jokingly, even though he still meant every word.  
  
”So it looks like things are slowly starting to work out?” Paul looked at Richard with incredibly bright eyes that were full of happiness and promise and at that moment, perhaps for the first time in years, Richard knew that he would be okay, that they would be okay.  
  
”It looks like they are”, he whispered before leaning in to kiss him one more time.  
  
”Now, let's go to your party”, Paul winked at Richard, grabbed his hand and started leading him out of the hotel and towards the service park. He didn't let go as they walked through the crowded hotel lobby, or in the service park that was filled with people, or as the reporters spotted them and cameras started flashing. Even as they finally got to the party and everybody's attention was on them – not once did Paul let go of his hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't belive this was the last chapter. Only three months ago I didn't even think I could write a proper fic, let alone in english, but I'm so happy I decided to try. When I published the first chapter, I thought that I'd be more than happy if even one person read this and liked this, but the response I've gotten has been overwhelming. So a huge thank you to every single person who's left a comment or kudos♡
> 
> I love these two boys with all my heart, so I'm definitely not done with them! I already have a new fic planned, it's going to be a lot different than this one, but I'm really excited about the idea and I hope you will enjoy it too when I publish it :) And who knows, maybe this fic will get a sequel one day...
> 
> Big thank you to everyone who's read this and I hope the last chapter didn't disappoint! ♡


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